Yeah, I’m going to do better tomorrow. Or at least, I will not be so caffeinated, sugared-up, and yet near slipping into a coma. It’s just awful, really. This is the kind of behavior that makes me go, oh, let’s lose weight and become fitness nuts and never touch anything with sugar or salt again. At least until tomorrow. At least, at least.
Point blank, the thing I need to remember and I never seem to be able to is this: it wreaks havoc with me.
I have zero focus, feel pretty numb, and pretty lame and it is 100% food related. I have done good work today and got in the car and drove (admittedly to get said food, but it was against the agoraphobish grain that turned up in a big way). I also got my hair cut, my brows waxed to the benefit of all concerned (the hairstylist certainly seemed relieved) and I left early despite having a ton to do, because I said I’d be in tomorrow. I’m fine with that because the new boss was a bit of a tornado today. And I was a bit of a water spout myself. Something we spent a ton on because old boss believed in it, and I went along because I didn’t think I had a voice in these kinds of decisions is suddenly on the chopping block. We spent a ton with a particular business and I am…finding myself advocating that it gets cut. Despite knowing the business, caring about the people, it’s my paycheck, my peace of mind, and I think I’ve given up a ton of that for others. The new boss is just boggled at some of the old financial priorities, and I know that those priorities were because old boss didn’t want to have to cut the cord, in part, and hurt the livelihood of friends, but also because he thought that was the best allocation of the money. And new boss says, no, the right priority is to have the money to pay staff and to cover our operating expenses. And that vision sounds much better to me. So, even though I assuaged and allayed the concerns of my friends that this transition would be smooth at least for a year, I’m not planning to do anything except be sure that they meet with new boss and hash it out. If they can convince her, then, I guess they can do that, but I think I’m not up to advocating for a borked system that has given me sleepless nights for years.
There’s that and now I’ve volunteered to redesign the market logo which I think is pushing the edges of my capabilities. There’s just a lot going on. In work life and if I want anything for myself, I have to put a thumbnail in something personal. Just getting myself mildly taken care of today is only the beginning.
I don’t know if I’m enjoying this or not. But I do know it’s not stopping anytime soon.