And all over the map.
Okay, fair warning to everyone, this is just going to be even more complainy and irritable than usual. Just FYI. I just need to deal with what I need to deal with so I can take a breath. The tempest in my teacup.
My hands feel stiff, after spending all day feeling 50% convinced that my mouth/jaw situation was getting better and mostly forgetting about it, I now am clenched and aching and zapping in pain and horrified and…then, fine, okay, bearable, distracted.
I am working on accepting that the causes I have identified have lead to the negative experience I am having rather than UGH, AH, I JUST FEEL NO GOOD.
- Double my usual dose of soda today.
- Eating nothing good for me whatsoever.
- Stress beaming out of every orifice I got.
- Hormones nailing me on the cross of bones that bear my flesh.
- I haven’t found the mouthguard.
- I haven’t looked.
- It’s just Murphy’s Law.
- I have not had the things I want to distract me around to distract me.
- Just because the hard and dark places are identified around us, doesn’t mean we always are able to march into their doors with steel-toed boots. Sometimes we have to crab-crawl backwards so we don’t know the moment we are in from the moment we are out.
I had another of yesterday’s illuminating boss conversations with my mentor. I didn’t expect and I did not receive some super special job offer to just throw off my shackles and work at the shop in a descriptionless capacity for what I am making now. Just, y’know, social media dilettante consultant to the stars who will just run the register but get this massive pay raise because we like her so much.
Despite how much easier it would make my life right now.
Even if there are specific reasons that she could not make long-term offers to me in the first place, even if she would be delighted to do that were it possible. Even if…that did not happen.
Instead, we mostly talked about people I could talk to and what now that, I guess, I am officially calling it open-season on job hunting.
This includes her getting in touch with a high-powered mutual friend of ours who came from our small town and has worked her way up in the universe with no small dose of ambition (backed up, of course, by being very good at what she does.)
I do have this moment of wondering whether or not I want to do anything related to what field this woman works in – education, though not as a teacher – or if the idea of working someplace downtown is prohibitive or, or, or…but information gathering will not harm me. Right now, having conversations feels a heck of a lot better than scurrying to pull up job search websites and throw mental darts at listings. At any rate, I’m going to have my resume and we’ll all do lunch and it’ll be like adults do these things.