Do it in pieces.
Today is the one day of the year I can step on the scale and honestly not care because I know that I’m doing something about it, something today, something proactive and it’s okay. I don’t feel any swell of nerves about it at all. It is what it is and I’m saying I am working hard on it.
Went to the grocery store. Well, I went to 9 grocery stores (opted out of one) to be exact. Got actually good food. Felt the expected pangs of withdrawal.
But I told myself something I kinda, sorta actually believe. I can choose not to do this. No one is making me do this. And I can give up, day one, or say tomorrow is better. That’s fine. Insofar as deferring one’s dreams into perpetuity is fine. But if I want to do this, I can choose to observe the pinch and the feelings of deprivation mindfully, with an understanding of how much excess and
I had pizza last night. And caramel corn. And I ate it with ferocity, but entirely without pleasure. I HAD to have it, I told myself, because I didn’t want to start today with any feeling of having missed out. But when you start, you realize that there’s no amount of having eaten that will counter the next day’s need to eat. There’s no way to couple the feeling of being special and loved to high carb, high fat, cracky-sorta foods and the next day feel the same way about broccoli. That’s not going to happen. But the transition always just sucks. And you can’t get to the other side without doing it. So I am surviving the rest of the caramel corn being eaten, not by me, and I am surviving the stress and worry of work right now by focusing on the positive things that I have going and the areas I can make change. This is the difference between a person who is moving forward and a person who is stagnant, depressed, anxious and paralyzed. Because as much as I feel like that about work, I DON’T feel like that about the idea of weight loss.
I made a good dinner! Chicken and yellow squash cooked in garlic and soy sauce. This is low carb. I feel less insane already. Maybe that’s not coming across in the writing, but having eaten actual protein, I am not hungry and skulking about thinking about the next meal. I know what I’m having for breakfast and lunch and it makes me glad and calm. We just have to put away the messes we both made yesterday (I can speak to you because I know you’ll read this sooner rather than later.) and focus.
My goal is just to stay steady and strong on this until the weekend and then use that time to see my mom and not let her nitpick or try and re-design the program, just have her help me do some cooking and do some walking around the pond.
Day 1: 169