A brief intermission in my life of constant and habitual noodling.
Ack, more noodling!
Okay. I did the dangerous life task of informing my boss that I now have two bosses. I now, officially, have two bosses. Or maybe three. Or maybe every last solitary soul on earth has a claim on my time. Or not.
I need this. I need to be out there. I have drawn back hard and fast into…
Can I even stay on this page long enough to write a single sentence? Already, I’m thinking…
Japanese commercials. Why am I…
Okay. Water. Silence. Focus.
I think I am so out of focus because life feels jarred, shaken, in utter tumult right now.
I feel like the little whisper, the little cilia, the little breeze that I heard and felt is quieter and more distant now. It’s hard to know if it’s still there or if my imagination is half the culprit. This was an impulse that things were lucky and good and hopeful. This was a hey, baby, sit in this space and smile pretty because someone’s looking your way that you’ll like to smile at kind of whisper. A little brushing touch of hey, darling, you’re free and winged and the world looks so green it’s like a pool table from way up here, above the madding clouds. The kind of breeze that says, oooh, shiver, let’s turn off all this heat and just breathe it all out.
I found, via the random button, reading a post from three years ago when the transition happened the first time. The big transition that seems so easy and silly. It wasn’t easy at the time. What I want to say is that’s just a reflection of how comfortable we become over time with our own incapacities, but that’s a really uncharitable opinion. Instead, I see, there’s a lesson I am meant to learn because this is a stripe of shit that comes up over and over again for me.
It’s about boundaries.
I had a vision today. Just a brief one, no worries, just a visualization unbidden sort of vision. Where there was a wall in front of me and beyond that, if I could look down on it all, there was a person I’m concerned raging and there’s these swirls of energy, red and blue and they shimmer and splattery in a real high-res photoshop sort of way, but none of them get through that wall. On my side, there’s just me and quiet and breath.
There was stress and I whipped it around me and beat myself up with it. The managerial aspects of my position just do not jibe with me as a human being, not in the situation we’re in now. I just feel a lot of NO NO NO and it’s turning off any and all rational thought.
There’s more to say, but not in twelve or sixteen words so instead, I will just sign off and do my best to live through tomorrow.