I have a draft to post from yesterday when the internet conked out. I will get it posted soon.
I cooked madly today. I think the moon has me in her thrall and I feel ravenous, endlessly unfillable, exhausted by the desire to just eat things out of boredom and not any particular need.
Made French toast with banana and rum and challah bread.
Made some macaroni and cheese.
Are we ever going to do this? Are we ever…I think about Thanksgiving and how it is to have someone who is out there in the world, planning, on some level to be miserable and how I am supposed to be the same as I ever was – to all the world, alone, single and it is here I feel the frustration. I mean, I have no answer as to what I would do about having him here. How to go from zero to sixty in one one session – but we’re not really at zero now. We’re at least at fifteen or twenty and it is this sense of a real thing occurring that nobody is talking about and the not talking about it wracks with my emotions.
The talk is consistent, I don’t worry if I am meaningless to him anymore, if there are others, if all of this could be thrown over for some other bit of cleverness. But…
Tomorrow a proper post.