Doubloon

You always need a couple weird ones.  Just in the middle.

Even the blankness has a couple words in it, be they weird or middling or not.

I am grateful for your gratitude.

I am tired, I do not know what to say about the few things, the few little flecks of dust that I can identify as possible cogent thoughts in my head.   I am thinking about my mother and her jaw which arbitrarily hurts now.  An effect of the treatment that works so well on her that she has, heretofore, not experienced any side effects at all.  Thinking, naturally, as she must be about what that means.

She gave me a giant sack of tomatoes, some I hope are not the malformed ones I saw on the counter.  I could never stand a malformed piece of produce.

I spoke with our good J.  It is so nice to feel cared about.

There’s a but.  I can’t say there’s not.  I want to not be the center of things.  All these years of half-thought about what it would mean to matter so much to someone, now that this situation has arrived, I can’t really stomach the constant stream of positive feedback. It makes me feel nervous at best, numb in the end.  I just want to get outside of it to think about it without having to just participate back and forth when I don’t know what I mean…it feels a bit like one of those Chinese paper finger traps.  The more you struggle inside of it, the more it clamps and grabs at you until you’re stuck.

I told him at a certain point it felt like runoff to me, and I think he was mildly offended.

I just can’t be there 100% all in all the time.  Even if I care tremendously and like him tremendously and even like our whole setup in so many ways where I do get space to be alone and by myself.

 

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