I largely suspect that despite having the opportunity to noodle some words into the screen today – I am not going to be able complete a full post. I am feeling just too awkward about today, too jumpy, too like my skin is weirdly sitting on my skeleton. Things I didn’t realize had gone wrong outside of my control have not been able to be fully corrected. I am distracted on several levels.
But it would be nice to have it taken care of so that when I arrived at home, arrived to have my dinner – whatever low-carb situation that it will be – this would be off of my plate and mind.
I know that this year, I gave myself freedom on my blog. For those that may read this and are new (I have to be aware of how many people – which is a non-zero number – stop by and read these posts and have no idea of the seven year saga that builds with each one) I am no longer forcibly writing 500 words a day. I am trying to just be here.
However, just breezing through and saying something that will end up being largely meaningless to even myself, often seems woefully inadequate. How can I just snarl and then press post when this blog serves as an opportunity to free myself from a daily build-up of anxieties? When it’s a chance for me to gauge any sort of progress.
The question comes up over and over again. Is it better to write the words regardless of whether or not they function in terms of cohesion, narrative, propelling my creative life forward so long as they continue sustaining the habit of writing the words? Or is it better to write when somehow I have something legitimate and challenging and genuine to report to the anonymous world at large? When I have something essential or revelatory or meaningful on some level? But one does have to reckon with the fact that so often this sense of the work is unachievable in foresight. You have to ramble to reach a place you’ve never been. Even aiming for a style doesn’t result in stellar, visceral, exciting writing. It is the struggle and the words paired with words, scribbled out and re-paired, that brings you to anything.
I am grateful for the words, morning self. I am grateful for the effort undertaken to put me at ease tonight. I am grateful for something going well.
I need for me to take care of the business of me.
I need for me to not leave it all up to chance. The work must be centered.
Distractions should not keep me from my solemn vows.
Circles eventually must break.
Tomorrow: straighten the hair, go to the dentist and let them tell you whatever nonsense they have to tell you, don’t do anything more than expect to suffer and listen and hold your mouth open. Do your work. Check your email. And start pulling at this chain.