The bad habits. The bad, bad, bad habits. You give one inch to one of them and down the hill you roll with them all.
Now, I have some ice water. It seems to be a medicine and I can think again.
Tomorrow: brunch. And then, we have an order of groceries that does not give a centimeter to the plots of bad habits. Back on track because failing this has been boring and bothersome. A sugary slurp, a salty grind, a belly ache and a delirious desire to pay a ridiculous fee for the opportunity. I feel the reasons out quick as ever as to why a woman who eats out for her meals at every opportunity might feel ill and ungainly. I lose one wagon, but I know where I can find another one to climb upon. The path I chose is the only one that will improve my lot. Out, out, damned spots. Let me have the future I desire. Some slice of it, the parts I have my will to alter.
And I hope to find the words tomorrow. Tell me what we are. Tell me what you guess we are. Tell me that this is not the most painful sort of game. You call yourself single. Outright. For all the world. While an hour later, you say, stay with me. Just stay with me. And I do, because where else would I go, and you hardly mean anything more than stay on the line. Stay attached to this very long strand that clutches around my throat, the one you’ve tied to some bedroom door so that every time you enter I feel a gentle choke.
Because it can’t be real. Me here, you there. And as soon as I am the one who begins to believe it possible, as soon as I swear on stones that there’s some grander scheme at work, you go and say, I am single and things are hard being alone.
So I, not wishing to look a fool, say, with delicate darts to keep the truth hemmed up, pinned in, I, too, am looking for the sort of man who…the kind of man who is…the wistful dreams of my heart have yet to be requited in any mortal form and I am amongst ye, oh, walking and wakeful damned who have found your hearts cleaved in full from that of any others. I share your fate. I have no answers. I have no claims. But no, none of you dare approach me for succor or support, because if you do I shall be forced to drive you out of my presence. For what manner of villainy would allow for me to idle for hours in some communal, if imaginary bed, and reciting any manner of romantic assertions, cooing and giggling and playing the part and then, wordlessly, doing the same with someone else? How profaned would I be to learn that he might afflict such an act upon me?
So I have nothing.
Give me the strength to take my nothing in one lump, one gasp, one shot.