Survey Says

The thing we hear about all the time at work, which I think I’m allowed to say here, is that you can do so much, you just have to prioritize it.

I think I need to prioritize water.  Sitting here in the heat of this room, I am thinking about the way I feel and I feel lie I am doing some stupid stuff.  Even the good stuff I do is stupid.  Like buying salads for lunch and then they taste watery and gross and deflating and so they go back in the fridge and I eat a calzone for dinner that leaves me so rapaciously thirsty that waiting for my water to freeze – or at least spend an hour getting noticeably cooler than tap water – is akin to violence.

Today has been a day.  Spent most of it trying to reckon with the fact that there are some places you just can’t get to from here.  Or places you can’t get here from…at least not without a 12 hour layover.  Tried to setup a meeting this morning and learned 10 minutes beforehand that nobody liked the last cubbyhole left available which I had booked solely because that’s what it was and like intelligent, professional people, reconfigured the whole thing and nobody got upset about it.  Including me. I just marveled.

Just trying to make things happen. Not sure if they’re the right things, but dang, I am trying.

And Christ almighty, perhaps it is the power of the moon’s sway or the lack of water down my gullet or the oppressive heat or just my own goddamned bit of sense, but I can’t…become the mother/friend.  I don’t need another person who I forget to email.  I don’t need to be the FWB sans B.

This is cruel.  This is not fair.  This is a punishment for hope.  This is none of these things beyond it just being life in the big city  when you’re trying to connect and it isn’t this perfect, seamless fit.  It sometimes feels like it is.  When we’re aligned and awake and connected and willing, it is.  But when something shifts, the house of cards falls every single time.

I just…I need to feel it again.  Like we’re a thing and not just…waiting to slowly implode, hidden away, tempests in teapots.  Like it never was at all.  I need it like I need the water, warm or cold, I have to eventually get it or I can’t live.  I just…am so selfish and yet, if I never ask, I’ll never get it.  We got where we are by stumbling through a series of well-marked YES doors.  Picking Yes and then Yes and then Yes again.  I don’t know what else to do with this feeling, but damnitall.  I need support.  I need affection.  I can’t just be a human spigot for empathy.  I can’t just blindly smile and nod for eight hours and come home and feel as though I have to be sweet as pie otherwise it’s out on the char heap for you.

I, aaargh.

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