Ache

I am so significantly fucked.

This is the kind of jealousy that liquifies your bowels.  That stresses you to no good end.

Some nights belong to Liz Phair.   Some nights to Matthew Good.  I am not quite sure which one this is.

I am contemplating some acts of self-flagellation.

I am contemplating how much of my mind is just entirely spinning skeins out of nothing at all.  How much burns my flesh with the truth.  I am tired of lingering at doorsteps, of denying the true fact that I have years of evidence to bear out: I can do this.  I can get this post written, in full, at the right rate of five hundred words and I can get it done before midnight.  Even if I can’t spell midnight I’m so tired.  I can do this much even if the other parts are just wild episodes of blind faith that lead me nowhere except back into bed.
The panopticon creates a hell of a trust exercise.  What these things mean to one person is not what they mean to another and I can can curl up and be so upset and unnerved and let the salt water rise to mine eyes and yet, never be exactly sure if I’ve reason to mourn anything.  I just saw.  I just read.  I just looked.  I just added things the way I add things and now, I feel upset.  I have to suck it up and deal until there’s an opportunity for clarity because right now I am just…crying and, geez, as odd as it feels to be able to let that sort of agony hold sway over me again, I can’t submit.  I can’t wallow in the sort of universe that those thoughts create around me.  There are factors that could change everything.  Just.  Teenage girl green-eyed monster that lives in the rafters sliding down on her wire to make sure we know what she wants has been taken from her.  Whether that’s what it is or not remains to be seen.

It is a pity when today has actually been a day of financial empowerment.  More watching the Canadian-Jamaican woman smack the sense back into people who have decided to do idiotic things with it and me being brave, going down to get a financial question answered, thinking I had to make a big $1000 fix, realizing that it wasn’t my problem or a problem at all and that meant the money I was suddenly having to hand over was handed right back to me.  Now, with that, I think that I want to get a new computer.  I know, new computer, new car, this is all too much, and I agree.  But things are changing.  Life goes on and nobody asked me to suffer and deny myself when I have solid plans to improve the relatively controlled and small debts I do have.  So.  Yes.  That will probably happen by weekend’s end.  I want to be distracted, so maybe I will let some work be done.

 

 

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