Somehow, in the midst of all of this unbelievable everything that’s going on in my life and in my head these days, I have decided to go low-carb.
And unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on which side of the coin we choose to look at, this is because of a boy. A man. A dude. The dude. J. This does not mean this summer streak is going to necessarily last any longer than any other fracas I have waged against habitual self-smothering via massive lumps of unneeded and expensive food. No, but it encourages a start and if I waited for a stress-free, or even stress-reduced moment these days to take care of my business, fuck, I’d be drowned in wrappers and filthy bedding well before I’d find my legs to extricate myself.
I want to invite him to Thanksgiving dinner. Which is no small thing. That isn’t just dinner. That’s a trip. That’s airfare when planes do not excite him. That’s…figuring out about where he would stay and how he’d get around and how oddly impossible these thoughts are to be sitting in my head…and all of this a day after feeling like we were becoming too distant because our texts were just a few a day and no calls. A call and some texts and suddenly, I believe that we can shoulder the universe. It’s silly. It’s impertinent.
But still, if it isn’t him and it isn’t this…it would be something else if I make myself more comfortable physically. I’m guided by this Orion’s Belt of ideas. Do it for him. Do it for me. Do it for health. Just walking the little bit of a way to the bus stop in the morning, I think about how much my body could use that time to be up and about and moving.
So today, I have eaten well under 20 carbs. I am not starting with a start weight. I’m not messing with my head by strapping on the Fitbit and insisting on 8 glasses of water and a new suite of good habits starting now right now. It’s already enough just to buy the food, cook the food (as I did tonight, spinach and chicken and cheese and this belies how the combination added up really pleasingly, ah yes, there was avocado, too, of course) and just stay out of my own way. Down a shake every morning and get just organized enough to not buy food I don’t need.
Like Monday, carless, ordering way more food from a less than stellar pizza place and stuffing my gob full of it, just because I needed the doing of it. The larder felt bare and so I didn’t even bother to really check. And I didn’t go walking when, clearly, I could have. All of this tells me that until I start being aware of some differences, I am going to use any excuse in the book to stop doing the work.
So instead, we do the work and worry about its righteous book-following later.