Where Your Head At?

So grateful just to say here in the safety of this box that I maybe am not the best at my job.  Or I am not yet the best at my job and rather than watchfully waiting for me to improve at my job and suffering the failures that are assured to follow, I have been given feedback to tell me what to change now.  And what I am to change now is my focus.  They told me they did not want me cluttered up with other things and I have let myself get cluttered.

There are things I think I’ve understood which I do not understand.  Priorities they’ve tried to instill which I have felt are optional.  They are not optional.

I think you might read that in jest…I actually am grateful not to go so far down the line and have dismay and regret meet me at the end.  But it was stressful to know that the policy, the procedure, the way to be is to not feel emotional at all about such feedback.  To take it and absorb it and nod.  Which is what I did.  Thumbs up.  All good.  Quit fucking around and take the job seriously.

And I need to, just a little bit.  I’ve already done a bit of emotional eating.

I have been trying hard.  That’s what makes me nervous.  Obviously slacking off a bit just because the boss has been gone the majority of the month and I’ve been trying to absorb a lot of different things.  But the questions she asked me made me stutter and appear more anxious than I was and then I became anxious because I could feel her a bit testy.

It’s funny how unbothered I was about the fact that the boss is known as a bit of a tough nut to crack (and she isn’t, really, she’s actually pleasant and friendly except for these moments when she’s not and there’s always a reason for that.)  It’s just frustrating that I know I’m being expected to leap forward and handle things, but I do and my language does not align so I need to run it by her first.   I try and analyze what I think is best, to risk making my own choice and get gently thumped.  And I don’t try and think on my own and am told I’m requiring too much management.  I need to manage the boss’ schedule not vice versa.  Totally true.  I felt anxious and distracted today, disorganized about the calendar, disengaged and the thumps came.  The feedback.  The direct requests for things I was NOT to do anymore. It’s information I need, and in my wayward, self-conscious head, they felt more like rebukes.

I felt more like the subtext was “Can you do this or not?”  and that scares me because I generally like it well enough and I am trying every day and maybe I’m just not mentally capable anymore.  Maybe I’m just gone a bit wild after so long without much genuine direction and now I won’t take the bit.  Maybe they’ll fire me.  Wouldn’t that be a laugh?

I just needed to take it seriously for a minute.  You get in that environment and it feels somehow deadly serious.  Like incompetence in one moment (even if you ordered the boss lunch and that was a good and competent thing to do) denies all other moments of competency.  Like you’re always just one breath away from them washing their hands of you.

That’s not true.  Just…keep your shit together, keep your head down, read everything and drink some water.