I think my hesitation is that nobody cares. Nobody cared before, but now that I’m in this great white and mostly empty box everyday, it’s very easy to feel yourself lost in the shuffle of thousands.
How strangely vivid and swiftly arriving is my sense of the grass forever being greener on the other side of the fence. Suddenly, I think about the negative side of being a cog in a very big machine where people don’t look at you and instantly see a story that you’ve cultivated. They are interested in forming their own opinions and you have every ability to help them arrive at whatever story you wish. Shy, brave, bold, smart, whatever adjectives you crave to be applied to your life can be newly affixed. You aren’t the product of small-town mythologies. You aren’t anyone’s sweet young employee wrangling the challenges of street fairs and remembering to bring the big scissors to cut the ribbons. You aren’t their pet or their mirror. You’re just an employee. Do your job. If you want to go home and you’re done for the day, clock out and go. You are hungry, go and eat. You need to buy something to make your job easier, go buy it. Don’t engage us with the minutiae of your being, we’re making big things happen here.
That is colder, by multitudes, than the truth, but at some stages, you wonder how on earth do you handle a world that doesn’t know your story. Who doesn’t give you that handicap of knowing your dad or mom from somewhere way back. Who you didn’t help pull their Billy out of the well. Who you didn’t chirp kindly to on some unimportant phone call somewhere along the line. It makes you feel a bit naked, a bit on square one.
I had ought to be so much more grateful than I am for the fact that I craved an exit from my former situation and friends coalesced around me to get me to this opportunity. Yes, it was my abilities and resume that got me there, but it was so many forces along the way that made it possible for me to make the shift. I keep forgetting the frustrations of the past and instead of glorying in this moment of satisfying, quiet, safe, regular work, I am focusing on the negative. I am replicating patterns, incubating old diseases, bringing the same nonsense forward instead of leaving it behind. Ideas of I can’t. I’m going to mess it up. I can’t do it perfectly so let’s wait five minutes? Living my life pushing things off instead of taking the smaller spoonful and starting now.
For example, I want, very much, to watch The Handmaid’s Tale, but I have this idea in my mind that I’m not in the right spot for it. I’m not present enough, open enough, good enough right now to watch it. No. I will either be good enough now or I will never be.
So we press play.