I wrote yesterday elsewhere.
I am not doing a great job with this whole writing fiction/posting here thing, but I am okay with just being responsive to the fact that I need to communicate something here and do my best with the rest. I am okay with not making myself feel like garbage.
Emotions are running high and weird this menstrual cycle. I am suddenly aware of so much – but not enough to make good decisions for myself. J. is going through his stuff which is trickling down to me and I am being asked if I want to go visit New York. And if I go there, yeah, hey, let’s meet J live and in person! You know, if I want to. This whole opportunity to meet him is being thrust upon me and I can say, no, rather than yes, of course. That option is open to me. But saying yes is also there. And all of this is dependent on where he’s at and what the full news is about things I will never be less vague than this in this space because it’s private news that is not even remotely mine to blabber on about. I know he wants to meet me, he’s said as much, but it does sound a bit problematic and out of the routine of things and everything just feels fragile again all of a sudden and ugh.
Still, we spoke twice today. And if I can get myself to generally calm down – New York would be very cool even if it just means hanging out with the sister and her boyfriend and keeping them from killing one another. So it wouldn’t be the end of the world to buy myself a ticket. I just need a bit more time for curds to rise up out of the whey.
It was a nice Easter day – almost wrote Thanksgiving because that was my mother and aunt cooking up such a storm that you would easily be persuaded it was such an event meal as to require a tag team. I helped where I could, grinding garbanzo beans for hummus and stirring (ineffectively, per my mother) rice krispie treats into marshmallow and melted butter. Eventually, we ate, I missed J in a real sadsack, overly jealous and concerned sort of way, and wound up coming home and not doing so much until we talked again.
So, the weekend spent itself and now I will sort myself out until tomorrow comes and whatever clarity it will carry with it.