A long post is not something I want to write. But I need to write something. It is striking how easily a habit can begin, how easily it can be dropped.
It seems impossible that it’s been a week since last I wrote, it feels like a hundred years. Like a whole…bizarre saga has unfolded around me. There’s been a sense that real evil has re-entered the atmosphere. I’ve been hungrier than I feel is fair for someone who works as many hours a week as I do. I have freaked out. I have calmed down. I’ll freak out again.
I don’t know if I have a boyfriend. I have something very close to that if we aren’t concerned with the proper, scientific terms. I have someone in J. who cares, at least, who listens to me and shares things with me. And who is into all the other stuff with me that needn’t be listed here. That’s, yes, I have not fully broken with reality and invented one. He lives and breathes. Far away and I am, for the first time, actually sad about that.
This was a week where I found that out and also found out that I’d have to break someone else’s heart and my own. A circumstance I have never had to deal with in my life emerged and the details of which matter deeply to me, but I do not care to share here as some sort of springboard to personal conversations I am not willing to have. Suffice to say, years passed and there were no buses to board. Suddenly, I get a clue and buy a ticket and they all stop at my feet, swing their gates open, and say they’re heading to very disparate places. I can only get on one. So I picked and that didn’t and doesn’t feel great…a life unlived that I can see unfolding just on the periphery of this one. And it’s odd to sit and think, well, maybe I can have both. Maybe this won’t work out and I can still have access to that other situation.
And that is depressing because life, I believe, does not work that way and…I don’t want it to work this way, because I have this whole other weird and intriguing and challenging and good path to follow. It’s just a trade-off that I had no idea I was making.
There’s a lot more detail, I have documented it elsewhere for myself, but this has been a bit of a big one personally.
This was a week of hard conversations and good conversations and the “president” losing his mind, or if not losing it outright, giving it away to one of a cadre of dark overlords. Work is driving me to antipathy. No news on any jobs I’ve applied to. I spoke with my cousin and that was mostly regarding politics, and my limited knowledge of online “culture” such as it is and eating hot dogs and pickled apples.
I need to call my mother. I need a bath. I need to charge my fitbit and get ready for an early morning. I need things I cannot have.