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The dreaded longer post.  The state of the union number 3.

I have, per…a conversation with the guy who needs a better nickname, but I really don’t want to make spades spades yet, about 30 minutes before we’re going to talk.  So I am going to try and make the most of it.

What I want now is to check in with me.  Check in on how all of this nonsense and madness and life is going in a way that the daily posts were making perfunctory and dry.  Desolate.

So, yes, the dude.  The guy.  We’re…he’s…it’s

It’s interesting what it brings to the fore and what it ignores.  Being called adorable and beautiful to me feels like some sort of food caught in my throat.  I don’t know what to do with it, how to get it down or up, or what.   So I find myself just sort of holding them until they dissipate.  The compliments, it’s really odd to me.  Not that I am so opposed that I demand he stop giving them to me, but mostly because I feel like that’s an another layer of awkwardness I want to avoid, and I think it would irritate him over time for me to be constantly negative about myself.  I mean, I’ve seen a LOT of TV specials about all this, so…

We’ve had a couple conversations, ones I’ve initiated both in text and in talky-talk, where I talked about the speed of things, about liking him but not necessarily being where he is…needing time, needing to process, needing to be alone.

I am really curious about this barrier of feeling like “what would people think?” Though, now that mother and sisters generally know that he exists…but nothing really beyond that, it’s hard to figure out why this nebulous thing can reach down and shackle me.  I LIKE innuendo, I like joking, I like being on the edge of things.  But maybe before, things were never all that significant.

Still, when I say I have to be away for a while and he says he misses me, I don’t dislike that. When I have a little time to not be trying to constantly calculate how to maintain sanity and still listen to what he says, I do feel like, hey….baby, about it all.

I feel sometimes like I am moving a hundred mountains inside just to keep playing along.  But, he’s made it clear that I don’t have to act anything out to amuse him, I don’t have to be there…but he wants to go there, in terms of…everything.  He has the fearlessness I definitely do not have.  And sometimes I am clear on wanting that or not wanting that, but mostly, it’s just this mushy pile of “this is OK at this exact moment.”

Health…at the moment, I feel generally, okay.  Status quo okay.  As part of the birthday celebrations, I was given a Fitbit Charge 2, which isn’t entirely working right yet, so I am just trying to not feel suddenly like I am able and endowed with healthy lifestyle requirements but that this can just be a nice tool for me.

I also unfollowed a particular woman on FB whose views were giving me agita.   Still thinking about the wrongness. Life is, essentially, way, way too short.  Gah.

Work: No news on job I applied for which I do not take as good sign.  Need to spend evenings looking and…the time on the phone with The Guy is not helping with that.  One more day until the boss returns and I…I need a plan.   Tomorrow involves the bus and everything I hate about the bus so ugh.

Birthday – I’ll probably have more time to talk about that tomorrow as I may have hours to stew and write and consider.  Very lovely lunch of roast beef and salad and green beans and mashed cauliflower and potatoes and au jus plus a sugar-free cheesecake.  All of which were heavenly and that wasn’t just the wine talking.  Very thankful for the fitbit.  Things have to carry on.

My father was silly and pulled a Happy Birthday banner out of a drawer and he and my mother held it up for 5 seconds and he said Got it? And I said yes.

This is a year of a lot of yes and I don’t entirely know why that is or how that is…but it’s true.

I haven’t even gotten to say anything about the March and how deeply impacting I feel it was for the whole of the nation.  It’s just the beginning of so many good things.

 

 

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