The Opacus

This ridiculously thing in my life.  That may or may not be a thing.  That feels like a thing, but I have to know better because so many sure-fire, obvious things turned out to be nothing at all.

He had a bad day.  I am unsure how to help, or even the nature of the badness.  I do not want..or I suppose, I do not feel comfortable in prying.  I am excellent at not asking the pointed question.  But it was as bad a day for him as I have had lately, so instead I tried to be amusing and empathetic and sangfroid and sage.  He said not to take it personally if he was a bit withdrawn and he was a bit withdrawn and I think, knowing even in my sagacity, how these things go for me, I took it personally.

I just…it’s not a fragile thing, but I can be.

Funny how you can be fine not meaning anything to anyone, and then you hear a rumor, a whisper, exchange pleasantries, flirt, and suddenly, not meaning anything feels like a punch.

I don’t mean nothing, though.  I believe that.  I just don’t know if I register on the scale.

Such nerves.

Work, food, a sinking of all thought into one single beam of concern: is this a thing?  If you are referred to the transcripts, I think you’d have to say we like each other, but…is it a thing?

All of this when he is legitimately suffering and I am somehow this high-maintenance wreck in my own mind even though he sent me a ton of music last night and I have lots of work to do. I..

Could it be otherwise?  Could it possibly be otherwise?

I wish I could just be cool.

 

 

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