This ridiculously thing in my life. That may or may not be a thing. That feels like a thing, but I have to know better because so many sure-fire, obvious things turned out to be nothing at all.
He had a bad day. I am unsure how to help, or even the nature of the badness. I do not want..or I suppose, I do not feel comfortable in prying. I am excellent at not asking the pointed question. But it was as bad a day for him as I have had lately, so instead I tried to be amusing and empathetic and sangfroid and sage. He said not to take it personally if he was a bit withdrawn and he was a bit withdrawn and I think, knowing even in my sagacity, how these things go for me, I took it personally.
I just…it’s not a fragile thing, but I can be.
Funny how you can be fine not meaning anything to anyone, and then you hear a rumor, a whisper, exchange pleasantries, flirt, and suddenly, not meaning anything feels like a punch.
I don’t mean nothing, though. I believe that. I just don’t know if I register on the scale.
Work, food, a sinking of all thought into one single beam of concern: is this a thing? If you are referred to the transcripts, I think you’d have to say we like each other, but…is it a thing?
All of this when he is legitimately suffering and I am somehow this high-maintenance wreck in my own mind even though he sent me a ton of music last night and I have lots of work to do. I..
Could it be otherwise? Could it possibly be otherwise?
I wish I could just be cool.