It is nice to be mouthless. Something I could never have reckoned with as a girl who wanted Hello Kitty to be free to speak her Hello Kitty thoughts. But it is nice not to have to tell you stories of distemper and distaste, not to have to show up and look weak, not to have to…
Sometimes I sit still and I feel as though I have got the whole nation, the whole world’s despair not only over their choice (willing or otherwise) of leader, but of every last little discomfort in their lives. Every last thing going wrong shuffling about in your head, oh cripes, it’s here in mine. It’s not right. It’s killing us. It’s too much.
It’s not yours, something like the Faithful Light will remind me, you only have that slag heap over there. That’s it. All the rest of it is not yours. But, I think, I see it. I know that it exists – hungry babies, pissed-off fathers, the snow in the morning, this grinding in my skull, that any day something horrible will happen – it will, it’s unavoidable – the inevitable brokenness of every last thing. I have just been ignoring it for a while, but it’s true. It’s true how terrible it is.
But. I sit longer and it is also true that I have ice in the freezer which makes the water better to drink and which makes me feel full. I have a mentor who texts me to come in later, to feel better, to get my spunk back. I have a mind that reads spunk and still laughs. I have a mother sleeping soundly in her bed surrounded by my father who loves her and a dog that believes she is the closest thing there is to God. I have kind friends who multiply the thin wisps of kindness I deign to blow hither and thither. I have a dear maniac and a dear brick of a cat. I am not so terribly sick as I might be.
I also had my card today so I was able to buy gas and lunch. That felt entirely luxurious. That and despite the panic attacks, the ones that keep ramping up because I feel so down about my ability to quash them and the insurance shit and the money shit and the other shit, I was able to get home before the snow fell. That’s good.
I did a few things today. I did what I was asked and a sliver more.
So I am going to run off and try and write a few things before this computer crumbles beneath my fingertips. There’s always Fallen London and some DAI to chase around. I am okay. A few hours here and I feel better even if I’m having the neck/shoulders/teeth grinding thing which upsets everything terribly. I am alright. Eventually, maybe we’ll stretch our legs and try and climb up to that next rung on the ladder. But tonight, alright’s alright, alright?