I’d Pay Good Money

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After feeling flummoxed as to what to write, I went back and read three year-old this post.  So, therefore, tonight’s town crier is yelling something about me really missing therapy and my therapist in particular.

Because it’s the gods’ honest truth.  I do.  I miss the little blue box that says, in the past two weeks, have you done so much pills and booze that you killed a man?  Yes? No? Partially? Just scared him a bit?  I miss that underlit room, that couch, that wall of books I’d stare at while listening to myself verbalize things I didn’t know I could say out loud.

Not being able to go there and talk about all of this is a little bit…no, it’s a lotta bit fucked up.  I want to move forward and that was taking some of the friction away that was holding me back.  It was helping me stay on a track I said, outloud, I wanted to be on.  A track that seems to be blown away in a steady wind as I trace it through the snow.  I feel myself standing in the middle of a snowy clearing, looking in all directions for clues, even my footprints that got me in there are gone and I don’t know what to do.

I have zero perspective.   Clean your room.  Get a boyfriend.  Fix your driving.  Get a better job.  Save money.  Write a book.  Read a book. Lay very still and align yourself to the universal heartbeat.  Embrace relentless curiosity.  Give in.  Fight.  Relinquish control.  Pursue your intent.  Or as I titled a major high school English project:  Serenity Vs. Action, a dialogue of aphorisms.

Breathing.  Everyone just says

It’s like when I handed my mother those cards about what areas in my life I wanted help with.  Just pick one.  What’s the worst? Where do we start to get me back to where I should be?  Just point me somewhere because I can’t move.  And she just laughed and shrugged the exercise off, an instant I remember as shattering because I was so in earnest, so desperate, really.  But then I felt, okay, I at least learned something here.  I learned you can’t do that.  You can’t just be vulnerable like that.  You just have to know these things.  You just have to figure this shit out on your own.

But I couldn’t.  Years and years go by and despite a constant effort towards some cohesive, self-directed, non-disruptive self-improvement, I still don’t know what to do first.

I was looking at our community board today and saw an ad for a local therapist.  I researched her and she’s not a match for me.  I can’t imagine playing I just…the job would have given me that access to my therapist again.  It’s okay that I didn’t get it.  It’s okay, but without that insurance, I can’t see her even for an insane rate.  So.  I have to dig around and maybe see what I can do.  I have to talk to someone so I can figure out how to keep talking to people.

 

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