To Offred

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I’m getting ready to watch SNL and feel some shit.  There’s just a lot going on right now.  I’d half a mind to play Dragon Age tonight, escapism from all of the anvils and earths settled on my shoulders, but as it stands, I am yawning and exhausted.  Four therapists visited the store and kept us open an extra half an hour.  They spent money buying things that felt good to each one and I liked that, but at the same time, standing around and waiting…I don’t know.

I judge everything twice.  It was mildly irritating at the time, now, it seems simpler, just women of means buying beautiful things that I purvey.  So, whatsoever is my gripe, it’s just directionless now.

There was a woman who came into the store and she had a voice just like Julia Child.  It was very hard for me.

I have also decided not to FB for a bit.  I am not announcing I am not. I am just not going to. This contradicts that, seemingly, but I’m not.

….

Let’s instead, I guess, do the unexpected thing and talk about me.  I am okay.  I am hanging here, approaching the crossroads when either this job will come through and my pay will double and my insurance will kick in and my driving patterns will shift and I have to make friends of these women and learn these new tasks and say goodbye to old co-workers after hurrying to get everything I can done despite in some cases a great deal of dysfunction or…I don’t.   Life, by Wednesday or Thursday, will look fundamentally different on a personal level all the while hell sparks and sputters overhead.  Or, the momentum I feel, the energy to start the machinery of resurrections and revelations, to get to tabula rasa, will have to be diverted elsewhere and I don’t know where it’s going to go.

I don’t want what is going on right now to continue, but I don’t know if I have the werewithal to quit outright when I need more.  I just…the options are depressing even if they are wider than I might be able to see right now.  I keep getting tossed job listings for my old job – converted and tailored so that it was sliced down to the exact portion that I liked.  But I’d be working for a woman I don’t like.  The other job in the city is no longer on the table because I put all my eggs in this basket.  So if it doesn’t come through, we’re really starting again at square one.  I…I will be okay…but I don’t want this disappointment.
Tonight I drove back home the normal way after going the roundabout way and stopping four or five times.  Tonight it was easy, tonight it was completely different.

I don’t know.

That was tonight and tomorrow’s my day off and I am gonna do things that I want to do.  Please the lord it ain’t gonna be thinking at all.

 

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