You could feed me all of your fears

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And if there was a magic cast, it was a wild magic, so that it did not land precisely, and where it landed, it did not do what it was meant to do.

I am contemplating this job.  The job would be back in the same town I grew up, working with the same circle of people, albeit from a different perspective, as the job I spent eight years struggling at before leaving before this new job that has been so wildly detrimental to me and my life.

If I can allow myself to float past the idea that on its face, I don’t have the precise requirements they are looking for and just move into the idea of what it would be like to be in the job itself, it is hard to imagine myself as capable of doing it.  Sort of.  I don’t know.  Each individual piece is part of a puzzle I was working on, too.  I know the acronyms, the faces, the area, the issues, the struggles, the gossip.  I know the bitchy complainers and the people who pitch in and help wildly. I have friends in most directions.

However, I know that there’s some poisoned relationships I’d now be on the opposite side of.  I know that in the years since I’ve been gone, my job has been vacated twice and people are grumpy and displeased with my boss’ replacement.  I would be working in concert with the person in my old boss’ role, the person who has been spending the past few years trying to get things organized after my time of struggle and learning.  I don’t like the idea of sitting across the table from people who have not had an easy time of it and that’s because of me.  I ran like hell to get out of that situation.

I guess I feel a little bit like Typhoid Admin, that every job I exit seems to have increasing levels of desperation associated with it when I go.

Each individual part of the job feels like I could do that.  But in sum total, without the degree in the field, just my 8 years effectively standing with my foot in the door, maybe that’s just asking to fail.  It’s a job where I will have to be assertive, a self-starter, a person in charge of other people.  Can I do that?  Today, today, I think I can.  It feels in my mind like what I would say when I feel pressure to please regardless of whether or not it’s true.  But everyone says that it’s only for me to set up my qualifications and say I’m a fast learner and ready to go.

And for that money, a comfortable place to work and get to, health insurance, where I don’t have to start from square one.  It’s worth a shot.  It’s worth getting laughed out the door.

+300 words elsewhere

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