Cathexis

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May or may not be in the process of making a mistake.


The jury is still out.

So…like, uh, the RP dude is back.  It was very Oprah, in that I really had fully let it go, I had fully given up on that ever recurring, I had really said, okay, it must not have been meant to be.

And then, tonight, I sit down to dinner with my rice and chicken and my Nasty Woman cocktail, ready to admire the 4 month-old kitten who just was microchipped and live life as one does, and well…ding goes the email.

So, I don’t…know.  As the saying goes, whatever you miss out on, you were spared.  So now, it’s like, okay, I didn’t know where this was going before, and it felt dangerous, radioactive even, but it was really well partitioned off from the rest of reality and now….now it has potential to be this big stupid mistake.  Potentially, moreso now that I’ve had this distance and what I want now is not precisely and 100% what I have.  It was lovely in the way it hit the marks, but now I see spelling errors and my descriptive text is not met with the same level of descriptive text to feel like proper RP and gah.  Still.

Still.  I am not complaining and I don’t feel used because I am using right back, but well, how odd it all is.  How very, very, very odd.

A big distraction away from the rest of the day when I woke up feeling 50/50 as to whether or not I’d had more than two or three hours of sleep.  I have to have had more.  I don’t feel wildly tired now.  I had to have because I remember semi-lucid dreams.  I just don’t remember that point of shutdown ever taking place.  I didn’t take a vitamin yesterday either.  So, what, on earth is going on there?  Is caffeine completely verboten now?  Now that I have a buncha coffee ice cream in the freezer?

I have no idea.  No idea save that it happened before and went away and now, I am managing my stress as well as I can, so it is allowed to go away again.

Alright, I had a moment today, that I want to record, when I was driving by myself and running to grab lunch where I felt okay.  I felt a wave of being empowered enough to have food to eat and a place to go and a car to drive.  And the day, even though it was overcast, was still warm and all of this hot, wet sweater of fear peeled off and I was fine.  Still had to go back to work and move 10-21 years worth of art supplies and inexplicable stuff from room to room to room for reasons yet to be explained to me.  But I had that moment of being embodied, ensouled, and okay.  Not up against any walls, just okay.

I need more of those moments.  I need the fabulous life that is somewhere out there for me.

 

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