I think it may have been something I ate.
I feel…subpar. Jittery as all hell. But mostly, I think it’s just in my head. I’m just really ramped up these days. Just really ready to pounce or escape or change or start or something and I can’t and all of that unresolved energy and intent is just frying my nerves. I am training myself to be on edge. I hate that.
So here’s a list of peaceful things for me to ponder, relax around, be delighted in, rather than building up this sense of not being able to breathe, sweating, spazzing.
- All I have to do is go to the shop tomorrow. I have lunch already set. I can get coffee if I wish. I know precisely where and how and what will be happening. It will be simple and I may get paid once or twice tomorrow. We can sleep in till 10a.m if we wish. Hopefully not, but we do not have to be made to march alone.
- I have many, many video games to distract me. Lots I can start fresh on. Lots with new features to try out. Lots of shows to watch with different vibes, different haloes of emotion to walk into. Lark Rise to Candleford for scullery maid mode, As Time Goes By for smiley, sleepiness, Penny Dreadful for possible writing propulsion. Playlists and music to update.
- The Mumford show is just a couple weeks away! I listened to them on the way home and it did help, they do have a comfort factor for me. The songs wrap around you in a protective way, like some sort of shield.
- I tried my level best today despite feeling this constant, breathless anxiety, despite really getting why my being there any further is just insanity, I still tried.
- I do not have to talk to, smile at, or impress anyone tonight. I do not have to chew or cavort or regale. I do not have to banter or gather together pearls of wisdom to cast at wandering swine. I do not have to have much more than a pillow to lean against. I am not in charge of anything more than that.
- All of those nights I worried about my teeth and endured only to learn that no spikes are shooting out of my face and that I am actually doing a decent job, gum-wise, save for the incipient cavities that can exist between teeth (how can you get a cavity between your teeth where you can only find a cavity of space, don’t ask me), I can endure this, too. If my mother can endure all her worries, if the people around me can take theirs
- Every now and then I forget I am anxious. It doesn’t have me wholly in its thrall. We have sat here, royally, all of us together, or at least an hour poking at this post, and I remain alive. Just because it feels like I have Sonic’s drowning music on a loop in the back of my mind does not actually mean I can’t breathe or am drowning.
- Tomorrow will be better.