The Instigating Action

We are already in line for the next big disaster.  The next big thing we don’t see coming is alright in the queue.  We can’t stop it, we can’t speed it up, the…

Jesus Christ, and here it is!

So, the thing about being in a singles group is that people kinda sorta expect you to have some interest in dating.  Sigh.  Not to just have a bit of wordplay and a smile and go home and lock your doors and windows against anyone trying to follow you home.

The guy I kinda sorta liked hasn’t left the group but is essentially inactive.  He also was too old for me, lived across the country, and is not altogether interested in anything I am.  But I decided I liked him before he said I was pretty and this meant that things keep their natural order.

The other guy who started chatting with me a few months ago, messaged again tonight and essentially said that if I lived closer and I wasn’t so busy (busy losing my mind maybe) that he’d be “all over me.”  There was lots of innuendo that I darted back because I could, because I’m gifted in that way.  But…I don’t…live closer and I don’t…like him like that.  It is the essential notion of friendzoning that I find myself splattered against.

This is such a sixteen year-old girl’s issue.  But here we are.  I tried to speak my truth that I like things stupid slow, stupid texty, stupid never meeting and stupid never doing anything about anything.  It sat for a moment and then I sort of half-reneged on my kiss-off.  Because I need to be interacting with boys to be any better at interacting with boys and because I feel guilty that I don’t dig him because his body doesn’t make me feel all lit up.  It might be because of his size, but Dude A wasn’t a slender elf-type and the RP dude could have been Jabba the Hutt and it didn’t matter in either of those cases.

I just feel profoundly odd.  Like, people talk this way all the time, but I don’t and when I feel so jammed up about so many other things…today was another financial blow that is just crap and awful and unfair and left me feeling off-kilter anyway.

So, I feel no responsibility whatsoever to that conversation and will basically pretend for now that it didn’t occur.  I am such a charming singleton.

In other news, I started a job application for another county job that I will definitely not get – most definitely because I refuse to select Whimsical as one of my top 3 traits.  When we all know how important, nay, essential my whimsy is to me.

Meanwhile, my sister and I are both losing our hair again in great stressful swathes.  I keep touching it today and thinking that there isn’t enough.  It doesn’t feel right.  Like I’m going to reach up as in a horror movie and find a massive bald patch.   Signs and symbols, my friends.

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