In the Lacrimatory

By: L.

Aug 26 2016

Tags: , ,

Category: self

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Aperture:f/5.6
Focal Length:38mm
ISO:100
Shutter:1/200 sec
Camera:Canon EOS 300D DIGITAL

Broke AF.  As Fucking Fuck.

That is not a good feeling.  I’ve been cash-poor, I’ve been running low for months, but after the whole car fiasco, I’ve come to realize that life right now has tapped me out.  I thought that I’d have a hundred to spare, but trying to withdraw 20, apparently, no bueno.  So, I, freaked and ravenous, took five bucks and went to McDonald’s.   And the next half paycheck, one hopes, will arrive on Wednesday.

And right now, I’m listening to MST3K and chatting and what I want to do is keen in the darkness and cry about this.  I think it would make me feel so good, so relieved, so much less a pot at boil that keeps being pulled off the heat just before the water spills over the edge.

There’s no reason for me to be working 6 days a week and have NO money save for the coins I’m already planning to dig out of my bag, the coins I’ve already been

I thought for half a second about offering Tarot readings or…something, I don’t know what (not that, I hardly doubt there would be any takers even if I were) just to get some cash in.  But I’m not talented enough to do that – I wouldn’t just idly sell an experience without preparation.  Like A LOT more than I can get right now.

And that’s the thing.  I can get through five days of this.  I can get food at my parents, eat much less, figure out how to push off that last credit card payment so it doesn’t auto-withdraw.  But I’m not making enough to just come back up to par once those checks come in. I am just…exhausted and irritated and pissed and yet, I’m also nothing.

I’m just numb to it.

I can’t buy anything.  I need to get gas.  How am I going to get gas?  That’s a question.  I don’t know what to do, y’all, I honestly do not know what to do.   There is no secret storehouse of funds to tap.  I have no more savings.  I am just here.  Blinking.  Breathing. I don’t know if I’m marinating in this tunnel where I’m not seeing the forest for the trees.  Should I be leaving the combination of jobs that put me in this position?  Should I be demanding something, asking for a loan, asking for my check early when I know that’s not possible? Nothing I could do today, even if it were quitting all my jobs and starting some place new could do anything to correct the issue at hand.

I can’t go see the therapist.  I can’t talk to all that many people about it.   I can just complain here.  I need to complain regardless of whether or not you need to hear it.

But I don’t…feel like crying.  I feel like it, but I don’t feel like it’s possible.  It’s too abrupt.  It’s too much.  Sooner or later, though, a gullywasher is coming, I know it.

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