Time ain’t on my side.
Tonight I would prefer silence. I would prefer being fallow and letting the field I constantly harvest go fallow. Let the storms spread their nitrogen. Let the beasts feed on the alfalfa. Let the chlorophyll have its last surge of excess before bitten off in the coming cold snap.
Tonight I would prefer not to send forth the red wheelbarrow once again despite feeling certain last night that I would today. But these are the hard places and these are the places we have to go to get anywhere. So I am here, telling you whatever it is that I will come up with to tell you.
Anxiety continued unabated today. I had coffee though. I know that exacerbates it. I just was feeling already a bit on edge, and also a bit sleepy and I suppose the desire to correct the former overrode the determination I have made to not have caffeine.
I just kept feeling not just…jittery, but like full on muscles twitching, eyeballs poppin’, like, something is up, I need to sit down, I can’t sit down. All of which is challenging when you are meant to glide around the storefront and gather clothing out of women’s hands and assure them that they are looking marvelous and yet will look much more marvelous if they buy this $100 flimsy skirt. It is always surprising to me how determinedly women will shop as if they believe they can correct something if they just cover it up with the right fabric. I knew most of this was in my head. Most of this was about freaking myself out – a Mildred-style guerilla tactic to keep me from being okay when I could really do with a bit of okay.
At the end of the day, I felt a bit better, I was by myself and even if I couldn’t close my eyes and try for any deeper relaxation, it did help. Then, a crowd of drunk women (a crowd equalling three women) came in from the cold and rain. They wanted coats and sweatshirts we don’t yet have and recommendations for a nearby bar. The latter I could help with and just being pleasant meant they needed to take a selfie with me. They wanted to take pictures with all the people who had been nice to them in this town and I apparently warranted a picture.
So blitzed that they found taking this picture nearly physically impossible, they did end up with a few shots, and said I looked the best (the others were all in some degree out of frame) and I, just as bought as any one else by a bit of praise, used that to power me through the last hour of the day and back home.
Last night I learned that I indeed was not referred for the Federal job I applied for and it does have the tinge of being let down, an opportunity I don’t get, a box I don’t have the key to crack open and gather the treasure out of.
But right now, ah, right now. I just need a break. A bit of time to go fallow.