So I kind of fucked up my attempt at assertiveness – mainly by trying to see what my mom wanted before telling the sister to calm her bossy boots down and my mom was all, why are you asking, why what, it wasn’t a big deal? And then it sort of became a tiny bit of a deal. She did wonder why I didn’t come over and she was a bit lonely with my dad working four days in a row, but she didn’t call me or tell me that. I said she had to promise to call me if she was lonely and this suddenly had aspects of burdening her with having to explain what she was feeling.
But it’s not. The lyric goes, if you call, I’ll come running to see you again. Not if you have any sort of negative emotion, my telepathy will ping and I will teleport/time travel to you so that you never have to feel it in the first place. More tuneful, too.
But I basically ended up sending a facebook message to the sister back that said I was doing the best I can, I’ve been over a lot, I’m going to be back over a lot, and that’s all I care to say about it. And there’s been no reply as of yet. SO, somehow, I am certain, the wrong person has been told the wrong thing and someone’s back is up and I…am sorry for that. I’m sorry that my mom did, for a few moments, feel lonely. But it doesn’t change, for a moment, the fact that I am just trying to live and do and serve my many mistresses without malice.
I have had feelings about this that have been subsumed under other feelings and other tasks. This is how life goes.
Today, I got home, put a pizza in the oven, wondered why I wasn’t suddenly making all these massive changes I could be making for half a second, and then watched women’s indoor volleyball and then…saw a film on TV that caught my eye. I know now that it was Who Is Harry Kellerman and Why Is He Saying Those Terrible Things About Me?
It caught my ear more than my eye as the film was absolutely drab and the film quality was dated and aged and didn’t look meant to be shown on high-def tvs, but quotes were essential. Without a time nor place to be bound to, these were top-level truisms.
“Time, mister, it’s not a thief. It’s an embezzler staying up nights, and juggling the books so you don’t notice anything missing when you wake up.”
It’s really amazing.
You should just watch this part. Maybe you’d get something out of it, too.
Now a hundred words to say that I am playing Skyrim. I’ve had it for a couple years, but it’s so NOT Dragon Age and that made it pretty impossible to enjoy. However, I think I might kind of like it. In a backwards, goofy sort of way. A hundred words to say that I take a deep breath and I deflate. That I read it everyday, every single day – what we wrote together. That’s pointless, but it’s pleasurable so I do it. I hit these buttons one right after the other so the draft never gets in so long as I never stop.