Amongst the Zinnias (Eiffel Tower Upskirt)

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Here we are.

I feel quite a bit after a quiet day at the shop.  After thinking about how it is possible that I am dancing towards depression again.  I’m kicking around the edge of my friendly neighborhood abyss.  I can’t make myself do so much as fix the sheets on my bed, and am barely taking a shower, not wearing makeup again, I’m…seeing all the signs.  I’m wigged out and numb at the same time. I am thinking about my future, of course, what we will learn tomorrow regarding my mother, and what will happen at the other job.

I have found a job I want to apply for.  I’m getting myself together, but it’s a federal government job.   This is not a flexible, oooshy-smooshy, feel-good job.  This is not a wiggly job.  But, right now, this is also something that it has going for it in my mind.   It is permanent, insofar as anything is permanent, it is bonafide.  It is a girl clocks in, a girl clocks out.  And a girl builds up her nest egg so that she could open her own little shop someday.  Or be one of these ladies who works in a shop and buys what she pleases.   Things are locked into place and you have to bend to fit them, but they don’t bend back out of the blue and snap your neck.

I can type as quickly as they require, I could make as much as I am now.  I can do what they ask.  They have benefits.  They have time off.  It would just be steady.  My creativity could build and exist outside of that.  Of course, it would be draining, of course the location is not perfection and is further away than my little lady-legs would like me to have to consider going on a daily basis, and of course, there are assholes and struggles that would have to be contended with, but right now, steady, secure, just do what you’re asked and make the amount of money you need to make to buy the outfits they pick out for you at the shop is what I want so much.   To be able to have savings again.  To be able to have the big monstrous machine and its rules back me up.  To be able to buy the food and have the bandwidth I need to get back on weight loss track.  That’s big for me right now.

Obviously, there’s no guarantee that my wanting it in anyway impacts my potential for getting it.  That and it’s still almost 2 months until I could start work if I could progress through the interview process.  Still, I am feeling so anxiety-ridden and my brain is compacted and freaked out about so many things and I feel…right now…like I want to be doing the right thing for me in totality.  I want to be looking out on the horizon and realizing how much what is doesn’t work for me.  And like the viral picture and quote goes…don’t hang onto a mistake just because you’ve spent a long time making it.

So, yeah, tomorrow, I’m sending my resume in.

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