I am assuredly stressed, but I lay myself prostrate at the truth of the matter which is, right now, right now I cannot do a damned thing about it.
My mother’s breast cancer might be back. Or something else. There are spots. She is worried enough, but able to explain things clearly to me in a way that was never necessary or desired when I was twelve. It’s not desirable now, either, but I am not a child, and staying in the dark while whatever truth comes out of these follow-up tests does not…it is not the grown-up I want to be. Even if it’s pulling me around and around in these terrible thoughts. I can’t…I am just here.
That said, my little sister, someone who is seemingly always utterly fearless, sends me messages that are entirely vulnerable and I…right now, can’t be having it. I can’t be the soothing, calming…I can soothe and I can calm, but I can’t be this wise, sage woman that can say the right thing and turn off the whirlygig. How the hell do I know the future? I already heard my mother freak-out and I can only have the equanimity to be good enough to deal with that.
My stomach feels like it’s a fist encased in steel. That’s about as far as the poetic impulse will take you tonight. The fact that I am here is as much a concession to my creative will and the habit installed in me as it is some monument to importance of documenting thought on both the negative and the positive sort of days.
Yesterday, I was so oblivious. So disconnected. I was so…today, I just feel done. Uniquely and utterly focused on the fact that what sucks needs to stop sucking. What needs doing needs to get done so that I can live a different sort of life.
I’ve had dueling text messages, folks flipping out at me and making me feel like I’m caught in some sort of melodrama that I didn’t realize I was being written into. There’s boys on the internet you suspected had girlfriends but existed in that sort of nebulous space of, hey, I’m just a boy on the internet, we could be a thing if life were at all fair. And now, nope, hi, girlfriend, always was a girlfriend and I’m great and talented so, no, he’s not going to accidentally forget I exist to run off with the girl from the internet he’s never met. My delusions are crackling like broken glass under my feet. Ah, I am being facetious. A little bit. Not as much as I should be.
And then, you, you deigning to tease me with your presence and I have zero foothold to say, hey, don’t…just not today. Not when I know you’ve got your own things and reasons to not be around and you’ve said you won’t be around. Don’t pop your head in and say hey, even though we talked about how you might do that, don’t do that today. Like be around if you’re going to be around. I have no avenue to just be human for a second and…I think, even if I did, I wouldn’t want that.