A Posie

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This song is in my life today.  You are in my life today and I am blessed to have you, little book, to keep my weeping and my wailing.

Work, in all its unnamed stresses decides, to name itself.  It’s the S word.

We, dutiful, less dutiful, earnest, less earnest, loyal, less loyal, peons are not giving our all. Apparently. The task that was asserted a few weeks ago, we haven’t worked much on, and that task that no one has really mentioned is the hinge on which we all swing. We’ve failed and this has resulted in anger and resentment.  Because things have been done to protect us, to ease the way and now, no more.

We peons suspected, but did not know this.  Now we know.  We can now struggle even more rapaciously to meet a new deadline struck down from the heavens, or it’s lay-off time.  This means that I have to magic a universe hungry to provide enormous financial remuneration for us whom they so hardly know in eight hours on Thursday, or I suspect, find some way to do it in my off of hours as a salaried woman, despite that salary having been halved and in other ways problematic.

I…feel…of two minds.  The old way and the new.  The old mind wants to absorb all of the negativity presented to me and convert it into warm fuzzies and just knuckle down somehow.  I was the one at the meeting who spoke and said we could try busting our asses harder.  I didn’t say that, but it was presented as either/or.  Try harder or the gravy train stops here.  I don’t regret suggesting we should do something, but honestly, that’s as much as I meant.  Something.  The communication level, at this point feels…well, not good.   And communication includes me, it includes all the things I might have said at all the various junctures I might have said it, and didn’t.  I will take on my piece of it.

The new mind says, I am starting, albeit a completely entry-level position, a new job tomorrow.  It is a job where I don’t have to try and untangle knots I didn’t make and my presence is ultimately most of it.  Also, they think I’m swell and they don’t want my opinions on anything and they’re next door to a coffee shop and down the street from where you were so long ago and there is nothing to be gained by thinking of those old feelings, but there’s no longer anything to lose.  And this is my day to be spent, making money to keep me fed.  I cannot be in two places. And maybe I can’t have two masters, but I have to try this rather than burn myself alive trying that.

I think the crux of the thing today, the pearl of it, was watching someone hold in their troubles and for the first time getting caught in the fallout when they give up holding it.   It doesn’t encourage sudden participation, all it can do is distance and discomfort.  Like…don’t yell at me when I’m skipping lunch, when I’m racing and trying to help.

But if I lose the job, the what-ifs crowd in.  The what-ifs coil close.  I always used to wonder how I could cope with such uncertainty in my life.  Now, I just sigh and carry on.

The startling thing is realizing you do not give a fuck.

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