I don’t want to waste away.
I have a half an hour, a pittance, to begin here and I am not going to look that gift horse in its little Shetland mouth. Not to make you think of poor lost Lil’ Sebastian, God rest his soul.
God rest everybody’s souls, really. We don’t ask for that enough. Just a moment to shut off the power and make decisions out of actual thought and not just history and habit.
It’s Friday. I need it to be Friday after this first week back from living in another world. I need to live in this one. Not perfectly. I am not going to be able, most likely, to accomplish down to the DNA in the bone everything I want to do this weekend, but my room has basically exploded from packing. My desk I want to train myself to sit at rather than being cross-legged in this bed is loaded up with papers to go through. There’s trash to take out, dishes to do, more laundry. The sort of tasks that don’t go away just because you do.
It is a weekend for a scullery maid. Not a perfect Mary Poppins act, just a reconciliation with a girl who is capable of something more than nothing. Not a fresh start. Just a start, just a thing scratched off the list out of action rather than out of thought. I refuse to refuse because I can’t achieve all of it.
As the therapist said, you can’t grow up in a day. And what you’re doing as you’re struggling, that’s your life.
Is it possible I have run out things to say?
Or just things I am willing to say. That might be it. What’s pretty and pearly and easily spouted off without incurring some psychic damage. Like maybe I’m not cooling on you, I’m just snapping back into the world we share where oh, wait, you’re older than me, you live very far away, have a wildly different life experience, I am not good at this, let’s just stop this train that hasn’t budged on its track. But I can’t, so I’ll just move, molasses-steady towards an absence of target.
I used to have it very clear in my head. I want to hear the Faithful Light, her words on this topic. What is best about the Faithful Light is that you can’t pre-imagine her answers. You can’t foretell the thoughts she thinks. She is never before and never after, only now. Right here, with me. Tonight, she says I want you to find that there is nothing to fear.
This is a mild dose of risk. But its purpose, mainly, is to clear the space in my head that you’re renting. I’m thinking about what the next step is instead of taking it. So, here, have a message to reply or ignore.
I said once that doing what I wanted in my life would mean I could jump off buildings, I could fearlessly be but that might mean I would have to be lonely or have to upset others. I think nobody gets anything out of me not doing this and nobody would think anything if I did.
It’s that simple.