We can begin here with the list. I continue to have some sort of hypochondriac fit that is dancing around with all of these anxious, depressed thoughts in my head.
I have to say, darling, consider this: your grandfather just passed away. You have to travel with the whole family to say goodbye to him and this is always stressful and out of control. Everyone gets hyper under good circumstances and you’re not likely to be able to behave in a way that makes everyone happy with you. It’s been a while since you’ve flown anywhere so you feel as though now there is room for something, mathematically, to go wrong. You’re trying to predetermine how to behave and how to react and worrying about things that would never happen (your throat swelling up because you’re on the airplane, your body going out of whack and passing out, the obvious and essential crashing). You’re trying to protect yourself from all of this by pre-processing it and pre-living it so it becomes fearless. You’re forgetting that you’ll have your family around you in case anything goes wrong. You’re forgetting it’s just a two hour flight. You’re forgetting that your thoughts have no power to impact anything in the physical realm unless your body gets up and acts them out. Letting them pass is exactly the same as holding on, petrified to each one, in terms of their power.
Then, when you return, you’re going straight back to the airport and back on another plane to see your marvelous friends. You’re going on a big trip to a place you’ve never been before. You’re irritated with your job and the reduced hours means you’re not thinking about it as much as you have always obsessed in the past so that, too, is making you worried. Money is scaring you. You had to spend all day fake smiling at people and trying to sell raffle tickets. You sold 3, two of which were to you, at your table which smelled of the giant truck which was blowing its exhaust at you and faintly of cat piss. You would feel slightly good about this except for having been told that everyone should shoot for 100 a week. You’re unsure of your writing. You feel lonely even while hanging out in this group of like-minded nerds. Everyone feels like they’re there for a reason. You just want to ride the draft of a couple compliments (and also find true love.) You feel stress about your dieting. You told your mother how much weight you lost and instantly (although this coincides with your grandfather’s passing) starting fucking around with your plan. You’re frustrated that perhaps trying to eat better and lose weight has triggered some sort of physical issue, like you’re damned if you do and if you don’t. You’ve been driving on your own all week – managing it well enough, but you’re worried about suddenly being sent to have to deal with a new location you’ve never had to go to before. This has not happened, but you feel certain it might. You are not doing well at all about talking back to the irrational thoughts around driving today, but you’ve forgotten the past four days where you did it just fine. You don’t want to move in such a way that will make you think something is wrong.
And the internet is not working! And Prince died! And other, valuable people in this world. And you want to take on the tone of the world today as though that were a life sentence.
You have a lot on your mind. There is no need to torment yourself for not being at chipper kitty status right now. You can be sad and grouchy and introspective and itchy in your own skin. You’re at some crossed roads right now. You don’t need to gaslight yourself and say you’re not feeling it because you’re scared of how deep you could feel it. You’re a bright girl and you’re going to get the help you need as you need it. You are going to look up.