You know what you need to stop doing? You need to stop putting caffeine in your body in the afternoon. Sugary caffeine in your body 3-4-5p.m. ain’t doing you no favors when it comes to this whole chilling the fuck out situation…
So, okay. My plan was to write on the short story and get that all sewn up and then gleefully post the word count here and go on to my other projects. That, I don’t think is going to happen. Still gonna try to work as so often after I refuse or think that tonight is not the night for it, some vision will bubble up to the surface, but this girl is jumpy and panicky for no reason.
Well, the reasons are that I exercised and I ate below my calorie counts for today – mostly by having a big lunch (or a lunch that filled me up at Panera that was good but full of salt and sugar) and then added a tall skinny caramel macchiato – my weapon of choice these days – and I saw that damn, that’s the calories I need all used up. So I stopped with the eating (save for a few pretzels). And now I am bouncing off the walls, trying to focus and freaking out that I can’t.
So that’s why this post is happening. Sorry, I want to say. But it’s really borne out of something good which is giving a damn about doing this when I have had all sorts of terrible impulses and giving up the trick vibes and I haven’t. I’ve lost 14 pounds so far. I started higher than ever before, I have further to go than ever before, but I’m still going. I’m definitely still learning and the lessons become clearer all the time.
I am also hanging out in a MST3K dating facebook page group. I don’t know. The whole premise makes me laugh – not the idea of the group, which is a fine and sensible idea and I like, pretty exclusively the guys who are intelligent enough to find MST3K funny, but the idea of me being there is laughable. Because it’s me being an encouraging force for people to chill the fuck out about being so goddamned desperate about finding out of this relatively tiny pool of people spread out all over the country. It’s me being this sage voice of reason. There’s worries about the ratio of men to women, who messages who and when and I…for my part, feel as though there’s no rush in the slightest. People – men – have been kind to me, but I realize how much I’m hung up on Mr. Confusion’s style. A man who can write to me like he could and I’m not…it’s all a probably terrible idea, but I’m staying on that road, too.
In the interim of all this, I found the time to get obsessed as hell with this short film set to Ane Brun’s music which I think is such a beautiful work of art…did I mention this yesterday? Perhaps I did. You should watch it, oh my word.
I love it so much that the young man in the film who becomes the old man, totally mentally cast him in my story.
Okay. I feel very obnoxious, so off I go. Till tomorrow.