J’Agis

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Action lady is her name! Action lady is her game!

With a little bit of money in my pocket, a few things were allowed to happen and that’s both good and bad.

I tried to call and get an appointment set for the therapist, but will have to call back on Monday. Quite happy to do that, though.  It needs to be done.  It’s been almost four months.  I need that focus.

After this past week of deprivations and mooching off the sister and eating haphazardly and not tracking and throwing up and all manner of mindless behaviors, that little bit of money = restaurant fantasia.  Things are back 100% to normal if you can go eat and go shopping.  So we went to P.F. Chang’s and I got some dumplings and fried rice.  Then I got a full-fat, sickly sweet caramel frappuccino because I have no body and I have no time and everything in my brain is dryer lint.  (Or so the story goes).

But, silver linings emerge.

Despite some seriously shitty habits insinuating themselves that I wanted to think were eradicated as far as what I ate, I also have, thus far, tracked my food today.  I’ve put in the full plate of beef fried rice even though I only ate half because I know I’ll eat the rest of it today.  It is immediately apparent to me the value of tracking because I’m way over.  Aggressively in the red and over in every category. Like I’m not going to be able to get enough exercise in to even bring that into line today. (It’s possible, it’s just really unlikely.) It does make me feel like, ooh, shit.  It’s 2:30p.m.  Goddamnit.

Breathe.  I know what it is.  I can’t pretend that I didn’t eat it.  I can’t pretend I don’t care.  I wanted it, and I’m going to move around and see what I can do to get it closer as far as the overage.  If I didn’t track, I wouldn’t necessarily feel the impulse to work this shit off.

Tracking leads to better choices.  Pretending…does not.

I also did not spend $15 bucks on new headphones when I have some, if less than comfortable, earbuds around here.  This girl has her choices, you know.  She isn’t forcibly made to do what she’s always done before.

If we have to start exactly as we did on January 1st, I can.  But I think this is simpler than that, more important, but simpler.  I am standing in my own way.  I am aware of progress, I am aware of change, and I’m trying to stop it.

But I’ve cultivated parts of myself. Faithful, patient, incorruptible parts that also want to be heard and now, after so long, they have my ear.  So when they say, hey, you could put a few things away, you could get on the bike.  You could get those taxes done.  Or you could just track what it is you’ve eaten.  When I hear myself saying, try, without judgment that it wasn’t done before, or done perfectly the first time…well, I’m starting to listen.

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