I feel now, late in the Saturday evening, a bit willing to comprehend how much of this is happening. What’s still here, on my shoulders, pressing and asking to be helped. It turned out that I had forgotten I set a meeting with my business coach/cousin this morning and I woke up with a blistering, Zeus’ head on the anvil sort of headache. The sort of headache that tears skies asunder. It’s hung around all day, but I knew I needed to meet with my cousin, and probably even wanted to, so I got myself together and went.
It was, as ever, worthwhile.
It is always surprising to me the tenderness that I can be treated with at the hands of others the moment I open up in the slightest. That for all my perpetual, profound fear of it, people who see that vulnerability in me in real life – not on the computer – seem rare to attack it. Maybe they don’t acknowledge it or open themselves up to it, but they don’t try and claw it out of me.
For a long time, I had experiences that taught me otherwise. Friendships I believed in evaporated, conversations that took place solely to shame me, earnest and heartfelt confessions shrugged off. I think, in some ways this is because I have some strength and self-belief behind me now. Not a lot. Not much, but I don’t have to immediately crumble at the hard and holy things that happen. I don’t splatter instantaneously. I see how life goes, the ebb and flow of it is…if not clearer, more readily recalled. Some days you’re the shit, some days you’re the fan, others, most others, the wall.
I have to gather up all this gumption, all this werewithal, and I don’t want to do it. But I must. We talked about how likeable, hah, my online persona is…well, if only and entirely to me, and how, say, I feel my tumblr page is exactly indicative of who and how and utterly I exist in the world. So much so I wish I could hand it to people and say, this is me. You don’t really get many opportunities to do that. She kept guiding me towards the idea that being alive in life wouldn’t be so terrible. I don’t know, but I know, and I know with the part of me that actually knows things and not just the part that thinks she does.
Tomorrow will be a day of doing. Still, though, I am due on that bike tonight and pedal. After some concerned stomping to get it where it was yesterday, I think I have lost another 1.4 pounds. Who knows. I am just keeping up with it. Not stressing about that, anyway. Keeping the big number from getting red.
Monday for money. Maybe. Who knows. Not me.