Crepi il Lupo

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Healthy flailing.

I was not expecting today’s news when it came.   It is, on its face, not good news.  Yet, somehow, after working it over in my mind and talking with a few people, I feel as though it is not worthy of investing dread into.

So, the money issues at work are not resolved.  They are working on being resolved and this is happening, in part, by putting myself and la soeur on part-time on a temporary basis.

This essentially, for the time being, halves our incomes – but certainly doesn’t halve our expenses.   So.  I am, as I told the boss when she told me this was the new plan, going to just see what evolves out of this.  I was still in the stage, and I think might still have a foot there, where I just thought, yay, time off.

That’s not what it is.  This quasi-involuntary furlough is not just unexpected vacation.  It’s a crunch.  It’s a problem that has to be solved.  I can’t know that this will last one or two months. I don’t know.

I want to know the answer to the question: What’s going to happen to me?  Do I need to be finding a new job? I asked my sister and she said, maybe.  I asked my wonderful friends tonight who are going through some transitional work stuff, too, and the answer that came up for me is…yes.   I am sitting with it and wanting to make the best decision for a bigger picture than I’ve dared to invoke before.  We talked about The Fear motivating career change – just wanting to get things paid and covered and ending up in situations that were less than ideal.  I want to be thoughtful,  but at the same time, I have a strong desire to just not think at all and pass these two months.  Like, it scares me so much to think about twisting out here in the wind, that my sister’s here with me, that our lives could be really impacted by this.  Thinking that, I wonder if this isn’t a clear and important window I need to make use of to get some place closer to where I want and need to be.

I really don’t know.  This whole thing – having never experienced this – leaves me feeling pretty insecure, but I’m not fighting the feelings. Not pretending I can stretch to the edges of the earth in public and in private, snap myself in two.  I’m not breaking the diet to eat the worry away.  That goal hasn’t gone away even if I’m not sure on buying food for a while.  Yeah, it’s going to be rough.  I’m not making it nice and okay.  I’m just thinking, gathering feedback, and starting to look at my resume and get some help from all the sources I can.

That said, it is time to write.  That somehow plays into the mix, too.

But it has to be done, one way or another, so a bunch of time off to write isn’t worth anything if I don’t use it that way.  So off I go.

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