What no feels like today: a long walk in the snow to a car you know you have to dig out in shoes that aren’t waterproofed. But I’ve said it once or twice.
Which is why 1/4 or so of that pizza I bought at the grocery store is now in a plastic bag in the fridge. I got there, but be-fucking-grudingly. And really, it’s only because I wanted to also have some popcorn and ice cream (and not the cauliflower or the apple I also bought) and wanted to be able to quasi-justify it under the new tracking regime.
I am, frankly, astonished given my mood that I was able to say no. As the lady said once, it doesn’t always have to be like it was. It’s a mood that’s based on things around the edges and not the meat of the day. The marginally attractive, but entirely earnest looking project guy who was in on Monday and for whom I, in some part, dressed up was not in today. Probably tomorrow, but there was so much angst and worry about needing to be sharp and ready for today when I couldn’t be…that I possibly spent too much of today being relieved. I did get a few things done for tomorrow – what I was asked to do, but that took most of the day. It was just one little innocuous problem and my dealing of it as we were almost ready to leave that has rattled around in my mind.
I feel convulsively pissed. Like nobody’s anywhere in sight and I just feel like shouting Don’t Touch Me, Don’t Touch Me, Don’t Touch Me! There’s a Stevie Nicks song I’m thinking of that is perfectly illustrative of my mood.
Maybe it’s just that time of month…I can’t…I can’t be fucking bothered with this sort of shit every single day. There isn’t enough time to get it all in and work myself over for crap that I didn’t know beforehand or managerial decisions I made on my own. It was imperfect, but I did it the best I knew how. Ca suffit.
Onward and upward.
I have to exercise. I have to write. I have to keep eating, only not the pizza in the fridge. Pizza, you and me have got to take a little break from one another. I’ve cooled it with Chipotle. So I know I don’t NEED you. Even in the short time it’s taken to write this, I feel as though I have a bit more sense in my head about how much power you have over me, pizza. I have got to stop anthropomorphizing my food vices. I have to read.
I have to buy S. I have to write this dude back. I have to lay very still and endure the usual reckoning that my anxiety requires.
I don’t have to do any of this. I certainly don’t have to be miserable in the same world as coffee ice cream and meta romantic mystery novels and boys who know how make plays on words.