Feelin’ kind of punky tonight. I have lost 0 weight this first week. In so doing, I have failed nothing. I want to lose it as a concept a few percentage points more now, just organically, by keeping up these habits and knowing I have more effort left in store to give this.
Went to the Texas Roadhouse and did mostly as was intended, mostly. That fucking bottomless bread that has some sort of hidden sweetness in it that I don’t even like. It was really nice, though, that we were all able to talk like a human family together. A bit irritable about something work-related (on a Saturday, too!) that is not immediately resolvable (is this a word?), and feeling just funny and punky and lonely and weird. Writing things other than this really poorly, but enjoying the fact that I can do it even when the Crone and all her nodding retinue swears that I can’t. That I’m blocked and locked up and don’t know my characters, when I do. Bitches, I know them so terribly well they’ve been tattooed on me for aeons.
I am caught up on A Chef’s Life. Tomorrow: soup. I continue to read my third book of the year (happens to be Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert – feel a bit like someone distilled my most optimistic, empathetic, romantic regards for writing and I’m not sure if I taste the saccharine in it or if I’m just being a punk. Have had some positive self-thoughts today, tried to be sarcastic, but this time the disingenuity was wholly on the part of the jerkface parts of me. I kept thinking nice things. I should stop before I end up believing them.
Figuring out that as soon as I want something to happen and I stop with my bullshit and get after it, I can have it. It is basically tantamount to just needing to turn my head to the left. Not even figuring that out, I know that much, just realizing the whole fucking psychological ping pong game my life is. Yearning being slapped back by vulnerability being slapped back by over-defensiveness being slapped back by desire being backhanded by shame. Can we just sit still a moment, please? One person, under her own power, indivisible.
+300 story words.