So, I am writing this from work during my lunch hour because I think…nay, I know that my experience is such that I will be a complete blurry mess and be lunging once again for my computer as soon as I cross the threshold tonight. This is something that I could do then, but it would be even less reasoned and even less useful than this will be, so, I am just doing my best with it right now.
I didn’t precisely sleep last night because I thought somehow that my timeline and the timeline for this content would synchronize and it would just magically appear on my screen as available when and how I wanted it. The terrible trauma of living in not quite exactly ETEWAF. Nope, though I got myself thinking and excited and the caffeine I drank at 2PM activated about 1AM and sleep came in jagged form, severed limbs grasping for my throat and then gasping, through me, for air before giving up for a while and awaking with a fright. We’re missing out, they seemed to sign language out of my gums, we’re missing out on something amazing that is being given to us. That is a needlessly complicated metaphor for my insomnia, but it feels fair at this moment when lunch is on the horizon. This is the modern day anxiety running me through, that the dreams in my head will never be equal to the shared collective dream that is all of human creativity, all of its humor and vigor and feeling pulsating through my tiny plasticine case and transmitter laying outside of me, just next to my head. That may or may not be how phones work, I’d honestly need wikipedia to tell you.
Still, essentially, not so tragically, I was thwarted from my stupid plan to try and limit myself at 1am to the tiniest slice of good times. It was never going to work.
And I know, I know this isn’t productive. To be so insatiably interested in something that inhibits rather than supports my struggles to get out of this state of perma-anxiety and into something where I feel like I’m living on terms I’ve consciously agreed with. Not here, on this blog, or for me as a human being, but I also know this is short-term and my real life concerns are not out of sight, out of mind, they’re just set back a bit while I address the fact that my heart is on fire. This is a rationalization, but this is how we humans live, one rationalization at a time.
There’s so many shoulds hounding me.
But here’s what I know today: you can put off pleasure too long and start to think it’s owed to you and that it doesn’t matter how you get it and later, when you think back, you wonder why you didn’t like things as much as you hoped to, expected to. Because you raced, you hurried to get to the finish line of media consumption when, really, you should just breathe.