The Revenant Heart

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I am working on the story, but there isn’t, at this moment, at this stage, a way to break off and start attacking sections.  I have to keep attaching limbs to the body.  Scenes half-written at a hundred different times, all meant to somehow be cajoled and caressed into one single voice.  One story.  So I don’t want to describe the new paradigm the others will all have to match until I’ve found all of those pieces spread across the internet and in various computers.  I am getting to dig through It is coming together, though.  Have to keep after it.  All of it.  The other way is such a pit of regret that I wouldn’t be able to stomach or survive.

Just wanted it in writing that I am working on the writing, because I was liable to slide into another week of focusing fairly intently on the business of just being in this skin.  Of just thinking a hell of a lot, not doing.  I need more doing, honestly.

Such as: laundry so I’ll have a nice dress tomorrow.  Check.  Or halfway check since I will have to find the werewithal to get it in the dryer and turn the dryer off before it beeps me into madness while I try to sleep. I much prefer full checks that you can file away and consider done.  But such is the way of it, we live our lives halfway checked until the very end.

I need to call my grandfather tomorrow.  And the hotel in Salida.   Both.  Fully checked.

I skipped group tonight.  I know I can catch that group again next month or into September.  I just…it became complicated with my sister needing to get her brakes fixed on her orange studebaker, and I driving us about (imagine) and so I was up early for that and then, we had a stressful, deeply ass-puckeringly frightful experience at work where we just eked by and shit, with all the other stressors we’ve had to smile through lately, I didn’t want to race the clock.

Maybe, though, anxiety group would be exactly what is needed, but sitting in a room reading off of bleary, cut-off copies of copies and listening to everyone breathe, watching boys’ legs spasm beneath the table, it lost its appeal. Next week is the big party, so we’ll just try again.  I am halfway on that request.

Of note: this is approximately 2000 posts in a row.  More or less.  2000 posts is probably nothing to sneeze at, but every day I question if my hands will hold out, if I can muster something to say.  It’s got to be different next year.  This is not worthless, but it has not the worth it used to have.  I’m a newish person, halfway checked.  The story of Lillie and Adrian is more compelling to me than the bowties I cooked or driving to Panera in the morning,  It will mean more once it’s done than 20000 posts ever could..

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