Start now. Not later. Start now so there’s room, so there’s space, so there’s time. So that the events of the day don’t sap your will to try.
Been thinking about voice this morning. How I have this journaling voice cultivated here, a specific way, specific tactics, a comfort level. I can knock these out so quickly if I need to just by switching on the voice. You stop thinking about the ability to write in other ways, to use other voices and, ultimately, to say fresh things. You don’t have to do anything aggressive or inventive in this space because it’s all about honoring the inner monologue. I think I’ve really shared what it’s like up here, in some ways, at least, in terms of diction and the grouping of thoughts. The triplicate I try and hit, whatever sense of euphony I am clever enough to generate, whatever my viewpoint attempts to express over the past few years.
As for content, it’s mostly a question of what I’m willing to say and I just don’t know how you decide suddenly to share more than you need to say to get the point across. I just don’t see what that would get me. The creativity needs to go to the story which is aching for it. It knows what needs to happen and I just have to follow the footsteps all the way out. I just have to stop talking and just write it. That seems to be working.
I woke up this morning to an aggressive rainstorm. With the window open, you could hear the sheets of water just being dumped out of the gutters of the sky. You could just tell it was going to be an off day. Dealt with a few things, ignored a few others, resolved a few anxious moments when something went wonky with the server, ate some more leftovers and cooked dinner. Two nights in a row. Tomorrow, I swear, I will find that damn fitbit and get to stepping. I am not going to the market. I am not going back to the old haunts. I am not going out to walk and dawdle around my parents’ place. I am going to be here, cleaning up, writing, being very domestic. I have conquered the countries’ quiz, I might find a book to read or write that section for group. Tasks, writing, work. Keeping busy and not letting myself spend hours paying attention to things that aren’t moving these projects forward. To accept the fact that if I turn to something clever to look at on youtube at the end of every few sentences, suddenly, these tiny five hundred word assignments do take hours. I am sick of spending hours on egging myself on to do the most menial of labors. This ain’t the damn Augean Stables.
Life is full of irritants. I have a broken m key that is loose on the keyboard. Gotta ignore it and not try and not use words that don’t have the letter m in them because, I have discovered, actually most of them do. There are so many things that bring joy. Focus there. Do that. Don’t stay here in the unpleasantness.