The Dispossessed

Plenty to talk about but I feel far too miserable to write it out.  Somehow we will do this and get into a hot bath because I am in a state of misery rarely seen in this parts.  I thought I was getting better, but I do not feel well.  That said, there is something salutary about tackling your shit.  I went to the mind doctor this morning.  I think it was a good thing and will continue to be a good thing.  I’m glad that I forced myself to do it.
She’s a younger doctor, very efficient, typing in the things I said into the computer and checking with me to verify that she had the gist of what I meant right.  The schedule they have her on means that her availability is really limited, and that I could only go once a month and that maybe to keep me exposing myself, ahem, to the things that scare me, I might need weekly for a bit.  But ah, well, we take what we get.
She talked about at the very end, that one of the things we could work on was getting me to let myself fall in love.  And I don’t know why that phrase felt like the oddest, most important thing out of the whole session.   The most surreal, I’d guess.
I should have stopped there and made an appointment for an actual doctor given the fact that I feel so awful, but I was so nervous about driving to work, I wanted to maintain the certain sense of passive acceptance I had going. And that part worked out well, I was calm and able to handle the anxious feelings pretty well.
I’m going to get home readily, and might wait to write most of this until I get there just to cheer myself on, but I have time and this headache is making me fairly unproductive.  I just have to deal….
Actually, what I need to do to finish this post up now so that I can just go home and go to sleep.  I just feel exhausted, can’t stop yawning, and with this headache pulsing behind everything, I know that sleep right now is the only thing I got that can make me feel better.   And yet, having laid down in this bed for hours now, I haven’t slept.  Just irritably shuffled around trying to endure.  And yawning so hard my face feels as though it is going to come apart.
 Avoiding avoidance is something the doctor mentioned today and I have tried to hold that in my upset, angry, pained skull.  Something ought to be done to fix it, nobody thinks I should be in misery like this…so I have made a real doctor’s appointment for tomorrow morning and hopefully I will not have choked on any swollen anythings by then and can be healed.
Oh, this piercing, hateful headache.  I’d like to eat supper, but I think I’d throw it up.  That’s not nice.

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