And Somewhere, Out There, Summer


Thursday: we go to the therapist.  Still mentally working that one out.  The driving has gotten really bad lately.  Too much nerves to do little, simple things.  The one thing I do miss about the old job is that it at least forced me to be in the car an hour a day five days a week.  I have to make myself just sit in the driver’s seat and right now, there’s no requirement of life to do that.  There should be a requirement of my life going forward to that.  Right now I think about getting up and just walking outside for five minutes before we go to work, and immediately, there’s such mental pushback about the idea of fresh, outside air and muscles working against the pavement and a schedule bending just slightly off-course that I want to throw up my hands and shout, SO I AM JUST MEANT TO SIT HERE, IN THIS BED, FOR FOREVER, UNTIL DEATH?!  To which Mildred responds, without any irony, with utter delight: “Now you’re starting to get the picture!”

Therapist questions:

How to put Mildred into some sort of coma so I can get things done I want done.
Driving.  Yes.   Being a grownup about life tasks, house organizing amongst them.
The email situation.  The writing person thing that continues until the moment it doesn’t.  How to proceed/deal/not fail it or him or myself.
Other things I will…figure out some other place to write down because I feel a bit uncomfortable just spilling them here.

I think I might be feeling better.  I, at least, have forgotten about feeling unwell.  Not so ruddy feverish or whatever it is.  One more half dose of something, knock it out or down another peg.  If the threat of feeling really unwell is what it takes to feel better, I’ll wirrah, wirrah, wirrah my way to salubriousness.  My mother today didn’t think as though I was the strawberry version of Violet Beauregard.  No one thinks my tongue is particularly outsized.  I wasn’t in a good mood, listless, but I think that’s been this past two weeks of less than great eating.  It makes me just very icky-feeling regardless of any tacked-on illness.

My plan is to finish this post, write a few words on a few projects that are crying out for them, watch The Lady Eve because I’m all inspired to watch an old movie and this looks just up my alley after continuing to read, get some clothes together for the morning, take that shot of medicine, check maybe once or twice for an email, maybe read a few more pages of the book, actually get ready for bed and not just pass out here and be a bit UNFYH about life.

April 1st is a restart day.  A day of focus on the body.  It is also a day that we’ll be visiting my aunt, I think.  Trying to get my head back up to the level of the water.


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