It is so frustrating when you don’t behave. When you ask something of yourself and blow yourself off. It wasn’t purposeful, but I woke up at the second alarm (the drop dead one) instead of the first, an hour earlier) so all the great plans for exercise and elevation and personal betterment went out the window. And I feel pulled towards further bad behavior because the whole thing ended up “imperfect”…ask me when my last perfect day was that I am arbitrarily comparing myself against and give us both a depressing laugh.
But I am getting back on track. After seeing lots of news articles about the horrors of Diet Soda + belly fat + horrible death (or whatever, I saw the headlines and didn’t need to be told what I already know) I have cut short my little laissez-faire attitude toward the stuff (I had a can and then a small bottle and then another small bottle and sure, I could use one now for some pep, but have a Dixie cup full of water right now if only because there is no pop to drink here). It is almost funny the power of caffeine, sugar, chocolate, salt, and fat in various combinations has over me. I can’t be cool with it, but it, far more so than alcohol, is always around. When I loosen the rules, I watch myself collapse and I don’t care until it’s done and then, I’m angry as hell.
It’s March, the middle of March, St. Patrick’s Day and my reuben has already been eaten. So we have rules again. We have carbs to count. I brought my lunch despite my brain insisting that there was no lunch to bring. I plan to have eggs tonight. Eggs and asparagus. And more of this magical cold water.
I am not entirely sure what I ought to be doing with myself at the moment so I thought I’d do this post while I organize my inbox for my email. This will leave me a little brain power, I hope for the rest of the night.
Maybe by the end of the day my brain will be completely emptied and I will be free to start anew with better, more valuable thoughts tomorrow. Hah. The pudding has probably already proven that fairly impossible. Same head, same tragically beige thoughts.
Here we are, end of the day, have to think ahead to tomorrow and reset this business. Okay, so, I am not in a great mood at all. Like a really shitty mood that I can’t see my way clear of at the moment so I need to get this done. Headache, irritated at everything, even the good stuff, my face feels hot and weird.
None of this is real. Gotta remember that. This is just a mood because I’m pulling myself off the crack and back on the straight and narrow. The first few days are always awful. Then it’s fine. I want to just get to fine and it’s not that easy.