There was a letter.
I hate that I have to eat this past week’s worth of anxiety crow, at least in terms of explaining it here, because to me, it was totally rational to be concerned and itchy and overwrought about the fact I hadn’t heard from him. To me, I flash back to The Correspondent and that whole situation and we went out and I gave a damn and then, whoosh, without any real understanding I just accepted the fact that it was not a mutual thing. And even thinking back, it wasn’t…at all as emotionally resonant as whatever “this” is.
Suffice it to say, there was a reason for the radio silence. A reason I find reasonable and understandable. One that makes me care more instead of less and I am a bit unsure how to deal with that, but I’m just trying to go with my gut and accept the vulnerability this makes me feel.
It’s strange. You – I – laid out these tenets at the very beginning of, I don’t know if I will ever meet you, I don’t know if I’m in a good place for this, but yeah, I mean, it’s just an email. And he being really clear about getting that and being okay with that. And now, I am trying to have it both ways. To have that be true, that I’m not creating false hopes, but to be honest when I say I care about what’s happening to him.
So I know it’s up to me to put the hammer through the glass, so to speak, and it’s when I think about doing that (as opposed to thinking I won’t be allowed to do that) that I trip up on everything in my life that complicates the simple act of saying “Hey, I think we need to get some coffee.” So this whole week, I could have been really pushing on these areas – diet, cleaning up the house, working on the driving, instead of fixating on not hearing from him. That mental muscles could be worked. I don’t like this idea of having leapfrogged straight to this idea of needing his contact to go about my day. Not when I’ve been fine for a thousand years without it or anything like it. It’s not fair to either of us to think as though there’s some commitment made. I just want to feel connected.
So, I sent a pithy, sincere response so he can finish writing back later, and now I realize, I have to get ready for this week. Can’t control any of it, but it doesn’t matter. I’m learning from this, learning what I’m capable of. I’m listening to the self-hypnosis CDs and feeling lulled, relaxed, good. It’s going to be what it is. I am letting myself realize what I need and take care of it, earn it, grow it.
Clothing for tomorrow, plan my low-carb lunch, scrub the face, drink some more water, talk with my friends, brush the teeth, get ready for a positive day that is mine to enjoy.