College Table

By: L.

Mar 11 2015

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Category: self

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Haven’t done this in a good long while and I have a little time at work and we’re going to see my aunt (and mother) after work so, hey, might be nice to get a headstart on the program before I have to sit down and think of everything.  I do get tired, you know?
Things I love:  Getting new emails from him, obviously.  Maybe it’s not obvious to you, but it’s obvious to me and that is…something…I love, too.  Even if I have to pay for them with three to seven days of self-doubt. Mornings where I had clothes picked out.   Earworms.  Leslie Hall’s music,  Coffee.  Relaxing about what I eat and still making good choices. Trading dinners for tech support at my aunt’s house and being enough in the moment to notice eyeballs and hair and the way people are speaking to one another and mark it in my memory. I love Parks and Rec. I love Dragon Age: Inquisition.  I love having room in my life to laugh.
Things I’m grateful for:
Taking the time this morning to get an appointment for a new therapist/shrink/whatever it technically is.  I can actually go twice as often for what I was paying before, assuming I like the doctor.  It’s not actually going to happen until the beginning of April, but, I know I need to do it.  Life is only going to happen if I do things like that. It’s also an acceptable distance away.  Being brave enough to just go deal with this filling so that it was done, so that it was protected.  A few minutes of good sense and effort in a day.  I’m sorry about it, but I’m also grateful that it’s my boss going to the old work and meeting about the old event rather than me.  I just don’t want to unwrap all of that emotion and feeling right now and I’m glad that there’s other things to focus on.  I’m grateful that my event got postponed.  I’m grateful my face muscles defrosted.  I’m grateful this dumb, gimpy cat is okay.
Wouldn’t it be nice if?
Something happened.  Something legitimately happened. If I got one of these amazing emails while I was typing away and finishing this up that I could feast on?  If writing group went well tomorrow and I didn’t feel so irritated again about it.  If I could get to that mental place where I could be fine regardless, let the Void stay nice and roomy and empty and I can get back to this whole making me happy thing the shaman psychic lady talked about.  Wouldn’t it be nice if I could actually prioritize working on myself, saving energy for that instead of wasting away in the maybes and the could bes of this “relationship.”  If I could get my scullery maid mood on for this weekend and get both exercise and cleaning in.  If I got rid of this useless college table, and got something new that made sense?
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