Okay, there’s not a lot of time left and I am distracted by a game and the story and all the usual things.
But I suppose what is exciting to say about today is that I’ve lost 4 pounds. It’s nothing at all, and yet, nothing to sneeze at especially as this first weigh in comes after yesterday’s Mexican extravaganza. I have back on board, if not as fired up as I want to be. I was listening to this motivational 8tracks playlist and it was almost too much…talking about needing to care about this diet as much as a drowning man cares about breathing and I am so close to understanding and accepting that truth (because I do think it is true, at least in my case) but right now my only ability is just to not fuck up. Just to not do something really wrong and awful. I figure no matter if there’s a bit too much sugar in the seasoning I’m putting on my cauliflower or if my body is reacting poorly to the egg creation with the sweet mustard (even if I’m not putting much in at all), then, I need to figure out how to get around this without becoming pissed that I don’t like what I eat. That it’s so limiting. It’s just so much trial and error. Today I tried to bake kale and I didn’t realize that you shouldn’t season it with your little shake-a-shake-a sea salt before you put it in the oven because that leads to water being drawn out from the vegetable and then, ta-da, mushy kale. Not the snack I was hoping for.
I also need to do more exercise. I need to and I will, I’m urging myself urgently in that direction, but at least I’m not throwing my hands in the air.
This is a year-long experiment. This is a lifelong struggle. I wake up, and fall back asleep, both literally and metaphorically. I don’t go a thousand percent when there is no reason not to, no constraints to how I want to eat or what I want to wear or any of the details of the self. This is me facing up to that fact, even if it leaves me hiding away from the deeper truth that I have a lot of changing still to do. A lot of it. And it’s not going to be fun to let go of the edge of the pool.
What else, friends? I did some cleaning which made something of a dent in my circle of chaos. It was noticeable to me, anyway. I also tried to drink an extra cup of water, which probably brings my total to two or two and a half or something. I also read a little bit. I also daydreamed quite a bit, and relished it.
Tomorrow begins another busy week. I am not where my head should be, but I forgive myself. I’ve done enough and I’ll do my best once I get there. You know?