I think there’s few things scarier than realizing you are walking back down a road you were trying to turn away from. When you know what’s at the end of it, but you keep moving that way. It feels like something you would do in a dream rather than real life. And yet, here I am, stressing about work.
I gotta take stock. I told myself when I started that I had to make that a part of it. That I needed to take a regular review of myself and what I’m doing here and what the output is. Am I doing what I need to be doing or slacking off? Right now, I’m a hazard. As people do nice things for me, especially for the holidays, I’m exhaustively guilting myself for not being on the ball with reciprocating and yet, making no moves to do anything to rectify that. Using the guilt to justify inaction, to retreat within is such an old habit that has always, always, always screwed me over and yet, I’ve always clung to.
So, feeling these bad feelings, acknowledging them…I called the bank and I am a few seconds away from bothering my aunt again since we have to reschedule the psychic. It’s so odd how this little task, just having to call her and explain and reschedule, somehow starts to weigh a thousand pounds and I feel like it’s un-shiftable. It’s this whole day concern? I wanted to get away from that sort of mentality. Where it went wrong because I didn’t pay attention and I didn’t handle it properly the first time.
Making things worse is not inherently a pleasing aesthetic when they’re your things and you have to live with them. Men like Jack can do what they like because they can walk away at the end of the day or week or month or life and it was all other people’s disasters. Men like the rest of us girls walk tigers by their tails until the day we walk out of this joint called life.
Yeah, I really wrote that down and posted it to the internet. I really did. I also called the bank and dealt with that dangling issue. And I put post-it notes on many of the pieces of paper I have sitting in wait here to remind me why they’re sitting here and why they haven’t been filed and put away. Tomorrow’s the last hoorah at the office until January. A reminder in calendar form to be grateful when there’s so many varieties of suffering in the world and while I have my own, I’m used to its shape and I can, if I so choose, combat it.
In other world news, the younger sister got a dog. This is not especially a big deal, except the last dog she got was handed off to my mother to watch over and was eventually just given over to her care because life was too busy for my sister. I let this bubble over in my mind before I recall that this, too, is not my problem.
It’s not my problem.