Still thankful, just a bit edgier about it. A little bit of modern day grumpiness has taken over. Most of it’s the physical result from playing video games most of the day, some of it, is of course, the feeling guilty about it when my mother gasped that I was still here but I don’t believe she should work the schedule she works either and I don’t try and make her suffer for what is. But she looked at me like I had walked in carried a disembodied head by a hank of its hair and shook it at her.
“Why don’t you go exercise? Exercise! Go walk the dog!”
It’s strange how the way she puts the exact thing that has been rattling around in my head like a pound of loose marbles for months makes it suddenly induce this sort of repellant response in me. This get back, stop, how very dare you feeling. You want to arrive at the decision to go on a health kick organically. I do want to do it. I do want a January First minding of P’s and Q’s (pounds and quirks, maybe)…a genuine effort. I do today, having been as far away from that sort of activity as possible, feel like that’s a good idea. The concept is legit. I just feel like she looked at me and saw this fat, ugly daughter and she wanted to correct it. Like base level, she has no compunction about telling me things and here’s the god’s honest truth, and we both agree, I’m way out of line. It feels like confirmation of all the shit I’ve been setting aside as I transitioned at work and traveled, the stuff I’ve said, I’ll push it under the rug but I know which rug and how much and once things cool off, I’ll sweep up and put away nice. I felt like I was, in my way, being an adult and handling this shitty god’s honest truth.
I, like one of those ragdoll-limbed teenagers throwing a fit shouted “No, leave me alone!” And went back upstairs.
“I worry about your health!” She hollered up the stairs. Ugh!
And then the warm embrace of the game where you’re a heroine who can fall in love and be fallen in love with and can pass judgments and slay dragons and is, at this moment, the most important woman in the world, and she has a castle. How is that not a more compelling universe than the one where my face is all broken out and I feel like a sack of flabby, wobbly potatoes and where my best efforts, when they do come, will pretty much get me back to eh.
I did actually leave my old room at my parents’ a few times today, once to watch Designing Women with my father for half a second and watch them tsk tsk Suzanne Sugarbaker for what she was eating. Her last name was Sugarbaker, JFC. Talk about a woman of destiny.
Things That Are Also Truish: Tomorrow is a new day