Cloud Leopards and More Explosives


Hi work stress! It is Monday, so hop on the Me Bus and let’s ride into town.  Sorry, Jesus.  Weird.

I think there’s soap in my coffee cup. Despair.  I thought it might have been excessively bubbly for some reason.  Now all I taste is the soap.
What I mean by weird is that it is weird how you can track your anxiety levels based on not sleeping.  I’ve been fine and good for a while.  Maybe?  I would probably go back and read some recent posts and find otherwise, but I’ve not felt really anxious lately, not as in ye olden tymes.  However, gaming, despite loving the hell out of it, takes a toll on the physical body.  It pushes it to places at this age it doesn’t need to be.  I probably went to bed at 1:30 and tossed around for a while after that while the images of a hard day of gaming frantically passed over my eyeballs and through my mind’s eyes and woke up like a shot at 7:30 before convincing myself, as idiots do, that if it only took me ten minutes of getting ready to go to work (it doesn’t, by the way,) then I could sleep for another hour.
Then, old boss texted and asked about an issue that I hadn’t had time to resolve for a while and definitely not before I stopped working there and I feel like…angry that I don’t know how to say…um, I don’t know how you’re going to figure that one out.  Separate from all the other larger things I think that about, this was just out of the blue and I…have not replied.  I will.  Not sure when.  It just really threw me that I still have to worry about it – of course, I worry about it, but I can’t just background worry, apparently.  I have been amazed at how I don’t think about them at all.  I’m not trying to block them out, but at the same time, I want to choose when and how we interact.
Then, then! Oh, my word, friends, there is a third thing of absolutely zero interest that happened to me.  Then, the copier broke and what should have been a simple thing became challenging because of something I didn’t do or didn’t fail to do.  It wasn’t me.  And I definitely felt the old habits of taking it on-board like it would upset people to know that things weren’t perfect before I realized…I don’t, technically have to do that here.   I don’t have to wear this stuff as a hair shirt.  I talked to the boss and she handled it.  I think.
Didn’t I say at some point I wasn’t going to talk about work here?  Okay.  I did.  And I won’t.
All of this plus a soda at lunch has left me feeling super jittery, unfocused, procrastinatory (it’s not a word, but I feel it should be.)
I have been sort of daydreaming about cleaning out the refrigerator for January 1 and filling it with Atkins shakes and buffalo wing sauce and lettuce wraps and whatever else would make for a good induction.  I think even in my up and down cycle on the road to nowhere, I’m way overdue for a lunge towards delusion.  Do it right now, you say, just stop everything and do it
Pbandjax has always been sensible about these things and suggesting I just give up a little or add in something that would be healthier.  I should, but I don’t.  I don’t how you fix it when you 10 times out of 10 end up walking away from even the challenge of thinking differently.

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